'Tis the Season

Mi esposa is a big fan of parades. To be more specific, she loves the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Rose Parade, so her parade watching season consists of two days about five weeks apart. The advent of HD TV and big sound has made the parade watching experience almost tolerable for me.

Almost!

NBC had Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera doing the play by play-- or is it "step by step" for a parade? These are pretty notorious people to do a parade. I remember Captain Kangaroo doing the parade commentary, and Hugh Downs, and Regis, and Katy Couric and more. When I searched for past hosts to aide my recall, the first few that I found reminded me why I have historically avoided watching the parade. Example:, the 1989 CBS host list included Patrick Duffy and Joan Van Ark, Faith Ford, Mary Frann, Tim Reid and a visit from Richard Chamberlain. Now, honestly, in your absolutely most delirious chemical induced moments, could you have ever come up with a combination like that?

More research revealed that Bryant Gumbel and Willard Scott did the parade for a ten year span, '87 to '97. I believe that Bryant is the obnoxious Gumbel. Greg is the sports oriented one who's actually rather likable. I also found that Matt and Meredith have been doing this for ten years now. I am beginning to recall why I usually avoid watching this spectacle.

By the way, the Macy's Parade was born in 1924. Since there was no TV back then, the commentators for the first parade, Sid and Manny, two guys from the tenement district, bellowed their descriptions at the crowd through megaphones until they were chased off by a barrage of rocks from onlookers who feared that commentators might become a permanent fixture.

The first act in this year's parade was was James Taylor, who sang America the Beautiful. It was simply wonderful. The next act was Miley Cyrus. The downward spiral was officially launched. Next, three little blond lip-synchers called The Clique Girlz. Implosion! My parade watching was over for the day.

TV doesn't give us the real drama of the parade, the human interaction with inflated floating creatures, the parade balloons. The first balloon ever used in the parade was Felix the Cat in 1927. Mickey Mouse debuted in 1934. Underdog joined in 1965. The list is pretty long, with Ronald McDonald winning my nomination for perennial creepiest balloon, and Pikachu a creepy close second. Pikachu looks like a dust mite that has grown to mammoth proportions, ready to assault Manhattan.

The balloon creatures have had problems over the years, the drama that TV denies us. In 1986, the evil Raggedy Ann balloon knocked down a lampost and the Superman balloon was attacked by a tree--presumably a helium filled kryptonite tree-- that tore off his Superhand. In 1997, the Cat in the Hat crashed into a lampost, resulting in one human parade attendee suffering a fractured skull that left her in a coma for a month. The winds that same year prompted NYC police to stab and subdue balloon Barney and balloon Pink Panther, committing grand scale balloonicide, justified, allegedly, by public safety concerns. The NYC balloon coroner's investigation was never made public.

My favorite balloon just debuted this year: Buzz Lightyear. It looks like they've dressed up Jim Thome and floated him down the street.

My other favorite, the M&M's, has been banned, presumably for bad behavior. The two photos below reveal the M&M's plotting their attack and the aftermath of their helium fueled rage.

This misfortune proved that Al Roker and Willard Scott are not the biggest gas bags in New York.

That is all.

****************

Different topic, carried over. http://durbin.senate.gov/ That's where you can tell Dick Durbin that he's dicked you and me and everyone else in Illinois, having now proceeded with his bold faced display of cronyism, seeking a commutation of sentence for George Ryan. Dick wrote a letter to W, who's been handing out pardons as his reign comes to a conclusion. You can send an email to W comments@whitehouse.gov , or just hope he treats the request like the USA's economy, in which case Ryan won't be going anywhere.

Monday Monday

This past Saturday afternoon, the Lemont HS football team made its second consecutive trip to Champaign to play for the Illinois Class 6A championship. The Indians came up short, losing 37-15 at Memorial Stadium. Congratulations to everyone involved in the Lemont football program on another tremendously successful year. Lemont finished the season with a 13-1 record.

I learned a lot about high school football this year. As a member of the field crew, I had the opportunity to witness first hand the behavior of a number of the opposing teams that played at LHS this year. The classiest opposing organization was Lake Forest HS, whose players, coaches and fans behaved in a manner that should make their community very proud. I won't name the team is at the other end of the behavioral spectrum, other than to say that it is a school from our conference. While I wasn't on the field for the championship game this past Saturday, my unimpeachable sources were quite emphatic that Saturday's opponent wasn't on par with Lake Forest.

There's more to the games than trophies.

Portfolio update: 2 and 2. What a surprise...
Washington State @ Hawaii -29.5
Hawaii, 24-10
Many points, yes. Washington State is terrible and the Rainbows usually skewer teams like this at home.
Old reliable Hawaii failed me...
"L"

Florida -16.5 @ Florida State
Florida 45, Florida St 15
Urban Mayer has no soul. Keep it up!
"W"

Syracuse @ Cincinatti -21.5
Syracus, 30-10
Syracuse spent everything last week proving that USB stinks.
21 1/2 was too much.
"L"

Fresno State @ Boise State -21
Boise State cruised, 61-10
Smurfturf is the answer.
It sure doesn't hurt. BTW, the turf was replaced prior to this football season.
"W"

YTD: 50-50-2. Unbelievable.

George Ryan, Dick Durbin, Linda Ronstadt

Stop George Ryan's escape.

Illinois Senator Richard Durbin has started working on requesting a commutation of sentence for convicted criminal and former governor George Ryan. Here are pertinent facts from a story printed in the Springfield State Journal Register.

Ryan, 74, was convicted in April 2006 of steering contracts, tax fraud, misuse of tax dollars and state workers, and killing a bribery investigation. He began serving his sentence in early November 2007 at a federal prison in Oxford, Wis., and was transferred Feb. 28 to a prison in Terre Haute, Ind.
“Let’s look at the price he’s paid,” Durbin told reporters. “His family name has been damaged. … He has lost the economic security, which most people count on at his age. And he is separate from his wife at a time when she is in frail health. To say that he has paid a price for his wrongdoing — he certainly has. The question is whether continued imprisonment is appropriate at this point.”

This is wrong. George Ryan is a textbook example of what is wrong with government in Illinois. George Ryan belongs in prison, paying for the wrong he did to you and me and every other citizen of the State of Illinois by defiling the trust vested in him as governor of the state. Take a minute and tell Richard Durbin what you think. I did.

http://durbin.senate.gov/

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

It’s the day after , and Christmas season and college football are entering their fourth month. The football action has shifted to the warmer regions, bowl bids are still up for grabs and there’s money to be made. After 98 predictions, I am even. That is cause for either hope or desperation. This weekend’s selections:


Washington State @ Hawaii -29.5
Many points, yes. Washington State is terrible and the Rainbows usually skewer teams like this at home.

Florida -16.5 @ Florida State
Urban Mayer has no soul. Keep it up!

Syracuse @ Cincinatti -21.5
Syracuse spent everything last week proving that USB stinks.

Fresno State @ Boise State -21
Smurfturf is the answer.

That’s enough for this weekend . Go shopping now and help the economy. Buy a couple of houses. Oh, yeah, the still willin' part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSbYE4H28zI

The Year Before Thanksgiving

8 Surprising Turn-Ons for Men

This started with Men's Health Magazine. They posted the question and readers responded. Here are the revelations, 8 Surprising Turn-Ons for Men. You are forewarned, they are generally contemptible, and Men's Health may be turning into Cosmo for males.

1. Standing Tall
A woman who stands tall typically a) dresses well, b) exercises often, and c) is confident about her body and what it's good for. And if she's proud of her figure no matter what shape or size, that makes men take notice, as well.
All you hunchback girls better get with the program...or do like that monobrow chick in the Planters Nuts commercial and dab cashews behind your ears. Imagine "Hunchbacks Gone Wild"...no, don't.
2. True Grit
...there's something insanely attractive about women who can bite their lips, buck up, and grit out some of life's twists, turns, sprains, and pains.
This one made me laugh out loud. Sounds like these guys are fixating on the women of ultimate fighting. It could also describe Brie Hodge from Desperate Housewives, who could eviscerate an opponent without interrupting the arrangement of her floral bouquet. While each is admirable, they're neither of them very evocative.
3. Baseball Caps
...we like a baseball cap the most when it's worn by a woman. The look sends all kinds of messages about the kind of woman she is: sporty, strong, comfortable kicking back, Sox fan.

Maybe it says she didn't want to mess with her hair, or she was painting the kitchen. Now that we have a Sox fan headed to the White House, Sox caps are de riguer for the fashionista any place, any time...almost. Whatever works for you. If a guy is attracted to a wpman, she can wear one of those Carmen Miranda fruit baskets on your head and it's not gonna run him off. Conversely, if he's not interested, a baseball cap ain't gonna whisper Jump me, big boy.

4. Software Savvy
There's something sexy about a woman who can click a few buttons and get something working exactly the way she wants it to.
OK, the nerd herd has volunteered its opinion on how to score hotties, and unless you believe the Revenge of the Nerds movies, those boys ain't creating any friction with actual women, so this one is lightly regarded.

5. Sexy Shampoo
...the smell of her freshly washed hair that's nestled up under the chin on a Sunday morning is a reminder of all that's good about relationships.

I don't believe that this was actually written by a guy, at least not by a guy who likes women or is not some Hannibal Lechter loon. Now, if they had something about team showering, there I'd concur, but rooting around and sniffing her head like you're an airport security dog, well that sounds like full perv mode to me, pretty out there.
6. Understated Underwear
Slinky and small lingerie works for anniversaries, birthday surprises, honeymoons, and other seduce-me moments. But the look that makes men feel both comfortable and excited is when she's wearing boxers (waistband rolled) and a thin-as-can-be T-shirt that's neither too tight nor too big. Call it supreme sexiness in the understated. The same effect can be achieved by wearing his old dress shirt and a pair of panties.
I printed this one in its entirety. It's goofier than the head sniffer. Victoria's Secret and Frederick's are not successful because of women who dress for boudoir success like they raided the Amvets donation box. This must have come from some weasel who sits in his parents' basement watching Jennifer Aniston movies in the dark and sucking down Mr. Pibb by the gallon, and whose last conversation with a real girl cost $2.99 a minute. Be careful not to let the air out of your girlfriend, Romeo.
7. Dirt and Sweat
Of course, men like to see their women dolled up for a night out. But many men appreciate the exact opposite: The woman who hikes, bikes, mows the lawn, hacks trees and branches, and otherwise pulls her weight. Seeing the dirt, mud, sweat, and occasional road rash is something that stokes our primal side.
This, too, is printed in its entirety. While I respect anyone who works hard and/or plays hard, your normal men and women have an understanding, one that I believe most people of average or better IQ share: go clean up that stank 'fore you come 'round here. May I reintroduce here that team showering idea? Gawd, these guys are dumb!
8. A Few "Duh" Moments
Men like smart women (see "software savvy," above). But there's a small part of a man's brain that wants her to have an occasional dollop of ditziness. Why? Because if she can show that she may not know everything, it reinforces something deep inside a man that he's needed, that he's trusted, that he can be there to help.
Gag and gag again...while I am fond of teasing my partner when she does goofy things, I do not wish on her "a dollop of dizziness" to enhance my self image. This had to have been submitted by the guy with the blow up girlfriend, as most of the women I know would run screaming from a condescending bunghole with this approach.

Most of the crap that makes up these 8 "surprises" sounds like it was concocted by self pleasuring dreamers who can't get a squeeze without negotiating price in advance. So what's the surprise? That there is no surprise...we males are pigs, we like being so and are highly unresponsive to inducements to change. We have evolved, though...most of us, anyhow.

That is all.