Weekend Review: Football Futility #7

Another sucktacular weekend of prognostications that could theoretically be just as successful by flipping a coin.

Louisville –6 ½ @ Memphis
Cardinals 35, Tigers 28
Memphis accumulated lots of numbers: more yards, more time of possession, more first downs and ultimately more screwed the pooch plays. The idea was to bet against Memphis, and it worked. Louisville had 3 TD's off Memphis mistakes, and a good thing they did, because the Louisville offense couldn't execute worth a darn.
"W"
Iowa –5 ½ @ Indiana
Iowa 45, Indiana 9
"I think Iowa is ready for a breakout game." All those frustrated Hawkeye fans found redemption in Bloomington as their team pummeled the Hoosiers. Ricky Stanzi has taken over as the Iowa QB, unfortunately for the deposed pride of Lockport, Jake Christiansen. For me, this one ran true to form.
"W"
Minnesota @ Illinois –12
Gophers 27, Illini 20
"I think that the Illini are ready to step up to the elite level that they and their fans so desperately covet. Pounding the crap out of Minnesota in front of an adoring home crowd is just what they need." Hahahahhahhhaaaa...don't bet these guys ever again, they are the Sybil of college football. A Minnesota team that is now 6-1 made a mess of a really talented Illinois team. It's tough to single out players, but Juice Wiliams is way too inconsistent for my comfort. He gives you great plays and terrible plays, no way to know which is coming. A ton of talent, he can do things that are simply amazing, but...
"L"
Michigan State @ Northwestern +2
Sparty 37, 'Cats 20
First of all, is there a more annoying commentator in the whole world than Pam Ward? She sucks the energy right out of the show, and when she takes a crack at spontaneity it's sooo pathetically lame. I'd have put on the radio broadcast, but there's no synch between it and the satellite picture so you get a headache like cousin Eddie walking past a microwave.
On the other hand, Brooke Shields, doing the Volkswagen commercials, looks awesome, just sayin'. Back at the contest ---
"This week, I think I can see clearly." I think I saw clearly, but that was if NU actually came to play. The 'Cats were a comedy act in the first half, with their kicking teams stumbling and fumbling around like blindfolded guys in a dark room. Sucked. Nine times they gave MSU a starting position of the 40 yard line or better. Sucked. 17 early points off turnovers. Sucked. Pass coverage was mostly a passing thought, linebackers waving at guys motoring past and the safeties seeming to be in the wrong place or too late. Sucked. CJ Bacher made his usual errors in judgement to facilitate an uphill battle from the outset. Not to minimize the winners' performance; the Spartans did their share of positive stuff here, too; NU got its butt kicked and kicked by a pretty good football team. But they shoulda coulda been right there, remove the crash and burn beginning and their stats were great.
"L"
Texas @ Oklahoma –7
Longhorns 45, Sooners 35
I picked Oklahoma because they were at home and because I felt they had played a stronger schedule. I still believe that they have played the more difficult schedule because they just got thumped by the new #1 team. Props to the 'Horns, they were outstanding.
"L"
Vanderbilt @ Mississippi State +2 ½
Misisissippi 17, Vandy 14
"more than the Commodores can overcome." Some of the numbers in Miss State's favor this day: 1st downs 16-7, total yards 260-109, time of possession 36:24. Vanderbilt departs the unbeaten ranks.
"W"
Penn State @ Wisconsin +5
Penn State 48, Wisconsin 7
"I think that the Badgers at home plus the points will get the job done. " HAHAHAHHAHHAAHHAHHAHHAHHAAAAHHHAAAHHAHA...I'm going back to polka music...
"L"

PATHETIC, defined: 21-28-2 for the season.

3-4 for the week. 7 under .500 for the year. Suck, suck, suck. And suck. Fortuntely, STP Investments added an additional game (Hawaii, Pete's Perfect Pick) and a NASCAR bet (Jeff Burton @ +450), so the portfolio value increased over the weekend.

There's always next Friday!

Big Exciting Super Terrific Football Weekend

Big, big, big week for football. Did I say big week? Big week. I’m stuck at 6 games under .500 on the season, and I made absolutely no progress last week in catching up.

Louisville –6 ½ @ Memphis
Louisville has been one of those “stay away” teams this year. They look good to start, then they look not so good, then there’s flashes of excitement, then there’s periods of high sucknicity. Memphis is the team I’m betting on, actually, betting against. They’re 3-3, having lost to the three decent teams they’ve played and beaten the three overmatched teams that wandered into their range. Heads up: Friday night game!

Iowa –5 ½ @ Indiana
The Hawkeyes are having a really tough year. They’re 3-3, with their only quality win coming against Iowa State. Their 3 losses have been by 1 point, 5 points and 3 points, respectively. They look like their always on the verge of being good. Indiana is 2-3, beating a couple of tomato cans and getting trimmed by their quality opponents. While Indiana played well at Minnesota last week, I think Iowa is ready for a breakout game.

Minnesota @ Illinois –12
Minnesota is coming off a reassuring 16-7 win at home. They’re a good team when they play well…and that’s not as goofy as it sounds. Illinois is a highly powerful team that can be devastating when they play well. Illinois is returning home after a big win at Michigan last week. They will be guarding against the letdown that so often follows a big win. I think that the Illini are ready to step up to the elite level that they and their fans so desperately covet. Pounding the crap out of Minnesota in front of an adoring home crowd is just what they need.

Michigan State @ Northwestern +2
I often shy away from betting the ‘Cats one way or another because I’m afraid I can’t see them objectively. This week, I think I can see clearly. They’re getting 2 points and they’re going to win this one straight up, no points needed. This one goes off @ 2:30.

Texas @ Oklahoma –7
Biggest game of the weekend, 5-0 Longhorns coming to tee it up with the 5-0, top ranked Sooners. Texas has won 3 of their games by identical 52-10 scores. Their season to date scoring is 252- 57. Oklahoma has cracked 50 three times themselves, and their season total is 248-69. The seven point spread has some home team points sprinkled in there. On strength of schedule, I think the Sooners can gitterdone. 11:00 a.m. on ABC.

Vanderbilt @ Mississippi State +2 ½
This one’s based on a couple of laws. The first is the “rare air” law. Vandy has run its record to 5-0, and I think they’re in a place that is very, very unfamiliar. That creates undue tension, which in turn creates, um, problems. The second law is “follow up”. After a big win, teams tend to lose focus. Last week, Vandy posted the biggest win they’ve had in many, many years. This week, I think that the convergence of the two laws is going to be more than the Commodores can overcome.

Penn State @ Wisconsin +5
Penn State cost me last weekend, not covering against Purdue. I don’t hold it ag’in ‘em. I do think they can be had. Wisconsin has thumped some good teams and lost to Michigan in the miracle game and Ohio State by just 3 points. I think that the Badgers at home plus the points will get the job done. Game time is 7:00 p.m. on CBS.

Good Morning, Tubby

Men’s Health Magazine reviewed the worst breakfast foods, and the results are enough to make you lose your appetite. Eating breakfast is important: you’ll eat less over the course of a day, start off your day sharper, there’s a laundry list of good things that come from taking time for a morning meal.

While I have plenty of bad habits, junk food for breakfast is not among them. I have been in the habit for a long time of making regular old boring oatmeal for breakfast in the microwave most every morning. My son has adopted the habit, too. It takes 7 minutes to prepare. The stats:

Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, a ½ cup serving

150 calories, 3 g fat, 0 mg sodium

We make a 1/3 cup, so it's less. It's boring, butt...If you cruise the drive-thru for your eye opener, beware! Here are some of the gut bombs:
Worst Side Dish: Burger King Hash Browns – Large
620 calories, 40 g fat, 1,200 mg sodium and 60 g carbs, too…and this is a side dish!
But you can order a diet soda to go with it. Ugh.

Worst Breakfast Sandwich: Hardee’s Monster Biscuit
710 calories, 51 g fat, 2,250 mg sodium, 37 g carbs
A friend of mine has a fat brother-in-law whom he calls “Biscuit”. Fits.

Worst Kids Meal: Denny’s Big Dipper French Toastix with margarine and syrup
770 calories, 71 g fat, 107 g carbs
Nothing like a bunch of fat little kids jaked on sugar to make a happy family and a happy day.

Worst Pastry: Cinnabon Classic Cinnamon Roll
813 calories, 32 g fat, 117 g carbs
Don’t forget to lick the gooey stuff off the wrapper to get the full impact.

Worst Combo Meal: McDonald’s Deluxe Breakfast
1,360 calories, 64 g fat, 2,325 mg sodium, 160 g carbs, 49 g sugars
This one touches all the bases. You get a biscuit, hash browns, hotcakes and syrup. Why not grab two, in case you’re hungry later?

Worst Omelet: IHOP Big Steak Omelet
1,490 calories
IHOP didn’t provide all the other numbers. If your opening bid is 1,490, why go any further? You get steak, cheese and hash browns…and in about 45 minutes, a big gross burp. Sorry, no drive-thru service for this one.

The Worst Breakfast in America: Bob Evans Stacked and Stuffed Caramel Banana Pecan Hotcakes
1,543 calories, 77 g fat, 2,259 g sodium, 198 g carbs, 109 g sugars

OK, this is not a drive-thru breakfast, either. You have to lumber in, find a sturdy chair and order this creation, so stay in your car and you’re safe. Just be careful in the parking lot, ‘cause the people who just ate this don’t move too fast.

I Can't Hold It In Anymore

I spent Tuesday evening watching the Presidential debate. I have watched these two guys for a while. I have watched a few of these races in my life. I have tried to reserve my judgement on this one.

First, a digression, an observation on the packaging of the debate: Tom Brokaw is one shitty moderator. Run the goddamned show, Tom, or let someone else do it. Now, back to the candidates.

When Barack Obama ascended to the national conscience a couple of years back, I opined that Barack appeared to me to be the John Kennedy of the current day. He appeared to me to be someone who could unite a country that is in need of a leader. Barack was, and is, charismatic, very well spoken, bright and well educated.

Then, it seems to me, he began pandering to black interests and excluding the rest of us. The circus with his church, his pastor, all these guys who shouldn't be influencing a president, all this chased me far away. Read "the speech of his life" and see what you think.

Time rolled forward, and war hero John McCain was anointed as the standard bearer by the other side. I listened. I read. I tried to decide if he's selling an extension of the Bush presidency, undoubtedly the worst administration in America since Lyndon Johnson sat on the throne.

I have decided that John McCain is NOT an extension of George Bush, no, sirree.

He's not even that good.

Last night's debate showed me an articulate, thoughtful and well prepared Barack Obama.

It then showed me a John McCain who has no idea of what he's talking about. McCain's dumbass jokes and misguided attempts at humor fell like the stock market as he rambled on, answering questions that hadn't been asked, trying to chuckle it up with Brokaw, talking down to the whole goddamned world, rambling on like he has answers to everything while actually answering nothing. His military ideas and references reveal complete denial of reality. He continually made reference to his hero Ronald Reagan, and spoke of his hero Teddy Roosevelt (don't get me started with a Teddy Roosevelt study; he was a priveleged loon who landed in the White House as an adventure). McCain then started with his "talk softly and carry a big stick" rhetoric... what the hell is he talking about? We're pissing hundreds of millions into the desert and sacrificing lives for no gain, just what big stick are we supposed to pick up?

To my amazement, to my utter astonishment, McCain said "I know how to get Bin Laden. I know how. I'll get him". Hey Big Stick, why don't you go tell George and the generals how to do it so we don't spend more lives and money? You savin' it so we'll adore you later?

This man is delusional.

When McCain picked Palin as his VP candidate, I remarked that he had just conceded the election. While she's been entertaining, it seems that the choice was simply an example of how detached this fellow is from the real world. He is clueless.

This race isn't about race anymore. America's economy is a mess, our military policy is indecipherable, and none of our other real issues has been addressed in the last eight years. No one has been held accountable and things must be changed.

I hope Barack can work for everyone to provide the leadership we so desperately need. I think Senator McCain needs to be anywhere but in the White House.

That is all.

Just Five More Minutes, Oprah

The National Sleep Foundation has a list of 10 Myths and Facts about Sleep. Here they are.

1.Snoring is common but not harmful.

Snoring can be an indication that there's another problem, like sleep apnea, and snoring is related to other conditions, e.g. hypertension and obesity. So while snoring isn't harmful, it may indicate other problems. In my house, snoring is a competition. First one to sleep doesn't hear the other.

2. You can cheat on the amount of sleep you get.

You need between 7 and 9 hours per night, less creates a sleep debt. It also seems to facilitate a lot of arguing, a condition knows as "crankinus bitchmaximus".

3. Turn up the radio or open the windows to stay awake when driving.

That way the EMT's and tow truck can find your crashed car by heading for the sound, and drag you out thru the open window.

4. Teens who fall asleep in class are lazy or have bad habits.

Maybe. Teens' body clocks tend toward keeping them sleeping later, says the Institute. So does the inernet, text messaging and video games. That's my scientific finding.

5. Insomnia is characterized by difficulty falling asleep.

Duh.

6. Daytime sleepiness means a persons isn't getting enought sleep.

Not as simple as it sounds, like #5. Once again, there may be underlying medical conditions. There may also be things like quarter beer night, extra innings in the game you were watching, and the dog had to go out three times last night.

7. Health problems are related to the amount and quality of sleep.

Yeah, baby...poor or too little sleep screws up things like the body's ability to use insulin and secrete hormones, and that can lead to a lot of other problems. Ugh.

8. The older you get, the fewer hours of sleep you need.

False. Older people may wake more frequently during the night, but still need 7-9 hours. They may exhibit a change in sleep patterns, like dozing off during the day. The scientific name for this is "the nap". It is not to be mixed with other scientific phenomena like "working" or "driving".

9. During sleep, your brain rests.

Nay, nay, your brain rocks on all night, but it gets recharged during sleep.

10. If you wake during the night, count sheep or just tough it out 'till you fall back asleep.

The Institute says if you're still awake after 15-20 minutes, go do something relaxing in another room. Presumably that does not include knocking back a juice glass of Jack Daniels or downing a carton of Ben and Jerry's. Personally, I've also found TV is a bad choice, as even infomercials and Oprah seem interesting at that point.

Well, infomercials, anyway.