Sexiest Man Alive 2008

When I saw that People Magazine had published its Sexiest Man Alive 2008 list, I immediately pulled up the list on the net. Naturally, I wanted to see if I was on the list, and hadn't been given notice ahead of time, it would make me Sexyman peevish, and I needed to know if any of the guys from the neighborhood or from work had made the list and if I had been left off, so I could get my stack of derisive comments ready.

Well, now that I have perused this supposedly authoritative compilation, I can see that we never had a fair chance. Here is the list, and you will see that it is bogus, with a lot of nancyboys and fops, whose place here I shall negate, forthwith.

#15. David Beckham

Cool, even if he does play soccer. List position affirmed.

#14. Joshua Jackson

Came from Dawson's Creek. Nancyboy! To quote Alfred E. Neuman, "bleccchhh"! List position emphatically denied.

#13. Robert Pattinson
A Harry Potter actor. Riiiight...absolutely not acceptable on a sexyman list, no way. Dweeby ain't sexy. Denied.

#12. Javier Barden

This is the guy from No Country for Old Men who went around blasting people with the livestock stun gun. Niiiice.... If you can walk around with a compressed air tank and have your way, you have arrived. List position affirmed.

#11.Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Married 12 years with two kids, likes to look shaggy. That's the good. Starred in Saved by the Bell and hyphenated first name. That's the not so good. Write it off as a youthful indiscretion . List position affirmed, barely.

#10. Lang Lang

Lang Lang is a Chinese piano player. Yes yes, I'm serious serious, a Chinese piano player. All those kung fu guys, and they pick a piano player? Jim Lang, maybe. (He was the host on The Dating Game, remember "...and heeeeere they are!")Lang Lang, denied denied.

#9. Blake Shelton

If you're going to put a country singer on the list, I say you go Toby Keith. Big, rough, truck selling guy who was a roughneck in the oil fields, We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way, yeah, baby! Sorry Blake, denied.

#8. Michael Phelps

Pile of Olympic gold aside, this is a weird dude, more reptile than Sexyman. List position denied.

#7. Ed Westwick
21 years old from something called Gossip Girls. Looks like he spends a lot of time looking in the mirror practicing his cool look. If you are, you don't need to practice. List position denied.

#6. Blair Underwood

He's 44, has three kids, always projects a pissed off attitude on screen, and women grab his ass in supermarkets. And who among us has not had that happen, getting groped at the deli counter while they're packing our pierogis? Position affirmed.

#5. Robert Buckley

27 years old, appeared in Lipstick Jungle. Who the hell is this guy? Denied.

#4. Zac Efron
This little fella starred in High School Musical 3. Is there anything in that description that sounds remotely sexy or manly? No. Nothing. And the photo from the list had "Sexy Zac" laying on a beach all wet in a jacket and tie. Sexyman no, dopy-ass kid yes. List position denied.

#3. Jon Hamm

This guy is one of the stars of Mad Men. If I want to see Mad Men, I will go to the local tavern during any Bears game. It ain't sexy, but it's real. Double denied.

#2. Daniel Craig

He's James Bond. He does a lot of his own stunts. List position definetly affirmed.

#1. Hugh Jackman

"6 ft 2 in, all scruff and biceps...can sing, dance and wield a weapon" Puh-leeze! I'm big and scruffy on Sunday mornings and I can sing and I dance at weddings sometimes, but I'm not on the list...what is going on here, double standard wise?! Hugh Jass, maybe...

OK, ladies (and gents, we are not gender discriminate here), what do you think? To view the list

http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20237714_20241212_20545237,00.html