I Wish They'd Go Away

You know how we all love to jump on the bandwagon when there's a new popular phrase or punchline and we all use it and use it and use it and then it gets worn out and we all stop saying it and we're all relieved that we don't hear it anymore? Exhale, yes, I know, that was a big run on sentence.

It's more aggravating when it's a character or group of characters who weren't original or weren't all that interesting or are just plain dumb, and they keep on showing up, and they simply won't go away.

Example #1: the Superfans. These three nitwits and their banal simpering "da Bears" and "da Coach" still show up at all manner of events, dressed like they've dressed for years, telling the same jokes they've told for years, are the champs of the wont' go away group. They were funny when they were fresh. Kathleen Turner was a hottie once, too, but that ain't been the case for years, either.

Example #2: the phony Blues Brothers, local edition. These two reprise the roles that they didn't make famous and show up to all manner of events to skulk around in dark suits, fedoras and sunglasses. The originals were performers, and that ended twenty five years ago. Save the look for little guys at Halloween, where it looks really cool for little guys.

Example #2A: the phony Blue Brothers, national edition. This has been John Goodman and Jim Belushi's sin. Goodman has gone away, and for that we are grateful. Jim Belushi isn't going anywhere, and while he visits the music from time to time (e.g. the hokey Cub fan rally that preceded Cubflop 2008, a.k.a. Cflop 100), at least he doesn't dress up all the time.

Example #3: the screwballs in the green (usually) zoot suits. Dressed like the weasels from Roger Rabbit, these knuckleheads get credit for pioneering a look, and blame for not moving on. They're pretty harmless compared to the aforementioned curiousities, but they have taken pointless to a whole new level.

Example #4: the king of the wish-they-would-go-aways, Ronnie Woo Woo. What can you say about this guy that is less than vicious and spiteful? A favorite of the local media, this former toothless vagrant has parlayed a highly annoying, verge of idiocy, vocal affectation into free admission to games, countless other freebies, and the biggest freebie of all, free teeth when some dentist fixed him up out of kindness of his heart or maybe to be known as the dentist of choice for toothless vagrants. I heard that he (Woo Woo, not the dentist) showed up at Sox Park during the playoffs and tried his lame-o shtick there, to a less-than-loving response. For his own safety, if he's gonna keep up his shrieking, Ronnie needs to keep it confined to the confines of Wiggley, where they tolerate that stuff or are too blitzed to notice.

Example #5: fat guys dressed like Vegas Elvis. I'm reluctant to include these guys, 'cause there are very few things funnier than watching some untalented, flaccid fool prance around in a big bell bottomed body suit, flop sweat rolling out from under a nylon wig and sporting glue-on mutton chop sideburns, calling people "baby" and acting like they're excited - in a positive way- that he's there. This is entertaining in an unintended way, kind of like watching when a street mime does something extra stupid.

Who did I miss? Let me know.

Million Dollar Quartet

There's a new show that just opened at the Goodman Theatre called Million Dollar Quartet. The tag line is "Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, Carl Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis played together for the first and only time".

Million Dollar Quartet looks like fun at first glance, but it got me thinking. Nasty ‘ol me, first thought is “making money off a bunch of dead guys”, except for Jerry Lee Lewis, who ain’t gone yet. I then wondered about the performers who play these roles night after night. Do they lose themselves in the stage persona? Or is it a job, like any job, where you do it and then go back to what’s real? For example, do the kids who are the Jersey Boys on stage get lost in a time warp?

The website for MDQ lists the songs that are in the show. There are very familiar standards, not too many favorites. Still, fun.

Then comes the idea of supergroups. It’s kind of like the US Olympic basketball team (there’s still only one ball, who gets it?), or the end of the Grammy Awards, where a few dozen people pile on stage and play and sing together and the result is an amalgam of sound in which the sum is far less than the total of the parts. Kind of like a big rock ‘n roll glee club that didn’t rehearse. And really, should Kid Rock and Celine Dion ever, ever be paired up?

Some supergroups worked, like the Traveling Wilburys: Roy Orbison, Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne. Jeff Lynne, by the way, was from ELO, I had to look that up. Their album was excellent. I am of the opinion that Roy Orbison was one of the greatest talents ever, so it’s like the other four couldn’t screw it up with Roy in there. Next time you're at Best Buy treat yourself to Roy Orbison's Greatest Hits and listen to it real loud. The guy was incredible...but I am digressing, again. Back to the Million Dollar Quartet.

Let me qualify: I'm not reviewing a show that I haven't seen. I'm sure the guys who portray the MDQ are talented and hard working and put on a fine performance. I'm just not giddy about the concept.

Johnny Cash did pretty well when he teamed with Kris Kristofferson, Waylon and Merle—the Highwaymen. Their collaboration was unique and it worked; everybody had an opportunity to shine and there was a synergistic blend of talent.

Another digression: Johnny Cash’s best work ever was, in my opinion, the final album, one that my daughter gave me. I play it now and then, always at home, it’s not car music, and I get chills every time. On that album, he is absolutely alone.

Elvis…an individual performer, maybe the greatest individual performer ever (or maybe not), who should only be in the spotlight alone. Why would you want one of the megastars of the world as a background singer? It's like giving the Pips get their own tour with Gladys singing background.

Carl Perkins had his moment; his legend stands to gain the most from Million Dollar Quartet. I wonder how many times he crooned “…blue blue, blue suede shoes…blue blue, blue suede shoes…” and really felt protective of his footgear. And are blue suede shoes relevant in a Nike world?

Jerry Lee Lewis, hell, I never could stand Jerry Lee Lewis. Crazy ass hillbilly who married his 14 year old cousin. If I never again hear “Whole Lotta Shakin’”, that’s OK by me.

Tickets for MDQ are about fifty bucks a pop, so you won't go broke trying it out. For fifty bucks x 2 (you wouldn't go alone), you can buy the Roy Orbison CD, the Johnny Cash CD and the Frankie Jersey Boy's hits CD and still have cash left to go see some current talent at a place like Fitzgerald's in Berwyn.

Or not.