I Wish They'd Go Away

You know how we all love to jump on the bandwagon when there's a new popular phrase or punchline and we all use it and use it and use it and then it gets worn out and we all stop saying it and we're all relieved that we don't hear it anymore? Exhale, yes, I know, that was a big run on sentence.

It's more aggravating when it's a character or group of characters who weren't original or weren't all that interesting or are just plain dumb, and they keep on showing up, and they simply won't go away.

Example #1: the Superfans. These three nitwits and their banal simpering "da Bears" and "da Coach" still show up at all manner of events, dressed like they've dressed for years, telling the same jokes they've told for years, are the champs of the wont' go away group. They were funny when they were fresh. Kathleen Turner was a hottie once, too, but that ain't been the case for years, either.

Example #2: the phony Blues Brothers, local edition. These two reprise the roles that they didn't make famous and show up to all manner of events to skulk around in dark suits, fedoras and sunglasses. The originals were performers, and that ended twenty five years ago. Save the look for little guys at Halloween, where it looks really cool for little guys.

Example #2A: the phony Blue Brothers, national edition. This has been John Goodman and Jim Belushi's sin. Goodman has gone away, and for that we are grateful. Jim Belushi isn't going anywhere, and while he visits the music from time to time (e.g. the hokey Cub fan rally that preceded Cubflop 2008, a.k.a. Cflop 100), at least he doesn't dress up all the time.

Example #3: the screwballs in the green (usually) zoot suits. Dressed like the weasels from Roger Rabbit, these knuckleheads get credit for pioneering a look, and blame for not moving on. They're pretty harmless compared to the aforementioned curiousities, but they have taken pointless to a whole new level.

Example #4: the king of the wish-they-would-go-aways, Ronnie Woo Woo. What can you say about this guy that is less than vicious and spiteful? A favorite of the local media, this former toothless vagrant has parlayed a highly annoying, verge of idiocy, vocal affectation into free admission to games, countless other freebies, and the biggest freebie of all, free teeth when some dentist fixed him up out of kindness of his heart or maybe to be known as the dentist of choice for toothless vagrants. I heard that he (Woo Woo, not the dentist) showed up at Sox Park during the playoffs and tried his lame-o shtick there, to a less-than-loving response. For his own safety, if he's gonna keep up his shrieking, Ronnie needs to keep it confined to the confines of Wiggley, where they tolerate that stuff or are too blitzed to notice.

Example #5: fat guys dressed like Vegas Elvis. I'm reluctant to include these guys, 'cause there are very few things funnier than watching some untalented, flaccid fool prance around in a big bell bottomed body suit, flop sweat rolling out from under a nylon wig and sporting glue-on mutton chop sideburns, calling people "baby" and acting like they're excited - in a positive way- that he's there. This is entertaining in an unintended way, kind of like watching when a street mime does something extra stupid.

Who did I miss? Let me know.