Seals 3, Pirates 0

Let's say you have no context for the question that I am about to pose. Let's say I just walked up to you and asked you to answer this question.

If you had to choose someone, anyone, who would you really, really not want to mess with?

Just a shot in the dark here, but if you were to randomly select and respond "Navy Seal Sharpshooter" it would not be a surprising respone.

So how do you think the Somali pirate (Come visit Somalia: Government-free since 1991!) who was aboard the USS Bainbridge acting as the negotiator for himself and the three being towed in the lifeboat felt when the U.S. Navy "negotiator" informed him that discussions had ended?

"Excuse me, crapwad, but it is my pleasure to inform you on behalf of the United States Navy that we are now prepared to offer you the opportunity to kiss our asses as we escort you to one of the jails in which you will spend the rest of your miserable existence ."

"No, no, back off, Imperialist pig. My pirate homeys will kill the American hostage if you do not give us two million U.S. dollars, safe passage to beautiful Somalia, and a paid subscription to DirectTV, including premium channels. Pirates watch ESPN when we are not protecting our territorial waters of beautiful Somalia. All of us pirates had our own NCAA pool, too, did you know that, Implerialist pig? The winner of the pool got a French yacht. Now, bring me another Diet Coke, Implerialist pig. You have angered me, so I demand you throw a cold 12 pack of Diet Coke in with the ransom. No! Make it...Mountain Dew ."

"Yeah, chum bucket, about that ransom thing, it's like this: Your homeys have just had their skulls aerated by Navy Seal Sharpshooters, and the guy who was your hostage is just another pissed-off American now."

"So...no DirectTV? No HBO?

"No Mountain Dew?"

Anchors aweigh.

Yar! Now We're In the Pirate Business

The anti-pirate business, to be clear.

The pirates of the country of Somalia (whose tourism slogan is "Government-free since 1991"), who have reaped a bountiful harvest robbing ships and kidnapping the ships' crews, have some new boat pals to play with as the United States Navy is in the house.

By the way, Mr. and Ms.American taxpayer, can you hear the chorus of thank-you's from the nations whose cargo you are paying to protect? Anyway...

The 2008 numbers are in from the Pirate Statistics Bureau, Johnny Depp, President, and there were 49 ships hijacked last year and 889 crewmembers taken hostage. In response, the USA has sent warships, as have the navies of India, Britain, China, Russia, Saudi Arabia and South Korea.

I never imagined that Saudi Arabia had a navy, they having been blessed with such an abundance of sand. The vessel pictured here is a Saudi frigate, the Al Riyadh, that is one of three that the Royal Saudi Navy had built for them. Frigate, by the way, is an encompassing term that can refer to a variety of warships, so you may now confidently toss about nautical terms with your friends from the yacht club.

The week of January 22 appears to have been the kickoff of the '09 Pirate season (thanks to the NFL playoffs, we missed all the pre-season shows on ESPN Pirate Channel), as 22 ship attacks resulting in 3 hijackings have been recorded since then. Nice weather in the area was given credit for the early flurry of activity.

There ae some carry-over storylines from last season, too. The owners of the MV Faina paid a $3 million ransom to get their Ukranian crew released after four months. Oh, yes, lest we be misled into thinking there was an overriding humanitarian motive, the ransom also secured the return of the cargo: 33 Russian tanks and crates of small arms that were headed for Kenya.

The Russian navy has a fun toy in the area: the nuclear powered heavy missile cruiser Peter the Great. The ship had "detained" ten pirates in an action the other day. If the contemporary Russian definition of detained is similar to the old Russian definition of detained, the detainees won't be a problem for quite some time.

I have detected a hint of the problem in the language that is being used to describe these police actions taken in response to the pirates. There are words of" arrests", people are "detained", they are "held for questioning", etc.

I propose that all the joint naval forces agree that the new course of action, as commissioned by PFOS, American Blogger, is that heretofore all Somalia pirates or scumbags who look like Somali pirates or any dumbass who wanders into the area with his rocket launcher that he uses for recreational purposes, all of those people be blown right off the face of the planet. The winning navy, the one with the most confirmed pirate eradications each year, gets a handsome gift pack at the World Anti-Pirate Banquet that will be held in Champaign, Illinois, the weekend after the state high school football championships.

It's such a feel good story, eh?

Pirates, Somalia and WikiTravel

I'm sure that you've seen the stories about modern day pirates that have become more prominent over the last few years. Most of the stories involve piracy on the seas near Somalia. Reading these news stories finally prodded me to find out about Somalia, home of the modern day pirates.


First off, I had to find out where the place is located. It is on the east side of Africa, in the horn. The accompanying map will clear it up for you if you are geographically vague, as I am about much of the world. It is slightly smaller in land mass than our state of Texas.


On its northwest to eastern borders are the Red Sea, the Gulf of Aden (where the problems are concentrated), and the Indian Ocean.
Across the Gulf of Aden are Yemen and Saudi Arabia.

There have been 199 incidents and attempts at piracy across the world this year. 63 out of those 199 events have occurred in the Gulf of Aden.
From whom are they stealing ? 90% of India's foreign trade volume goes through this region.


How did this get started? In 1991, the last "permanent" government of Somalia imploded, and along with it went Somalia's military. The waters around Somalia are rich in tuna. Absent a deterrent force, illegal plundering of the waters began. Somalia's fishing industry took matters in its own hands and went to sea to combat the illegals, and the pirate nation was born.


From the initial "fines" that were levied on the illegal fishing boats, the pirates have upgraded over the years to seizing multi-million dollar cargo shipments and demanding multi-million dollar ransoms. Late in September of this year, Somali pirates seized a Ukranian ship loaded with $30 million worth of military equipment. They have offered it up for a $20 million ransom.

Somali pirates are currently holding 12 ships and 200 crewmen for ransom. Armed with grenade launchers and rockets, the pirates have become quite brazen, recently doing a thirty minute phone interview with the New York Times.


Somalia was formed in 1961 when Italy and Great Britain each renounced their holdings of parts of the territory. A Somali government was put in place and stayed there until 1969, when the president was assasinated. Maj0r General Mohamed Siad Barre seized the presidency, a position he held until 1991, at which time he abdicated. The following year was marked by civil war and a severe drought that claimed 300,000 lives. American troops went in in 1992 to protect humanitarian shipments and became themselves victims of the violence, exiting for good the following year. The film Black Hawk Down was based on events of this time period. Since 1991 there has been a succession of failed governments.

Facts about this unfortunate place:

• Population is estimated at 9.5 million. The population is nomadic and subject to relocation in response to the country's ongoing internal violence, so an accurate count is impossible.
• The prevalent religion is Sunni Muslim
• The literacy rate is about 38% overall, 50% for males and 26% for females.
• The legal system is a mixture of English common law, Italian law, Islamic Sharia, and Somali customary law.
• There is no formal banking system. Money exchanges have emerged in its absence.
• Exports include livestock (65% of total export earnings), hides, bananas, fish and charcoal.
• The capital city is Mogadishu. Here is an excerpt from the WikiTravel posting for Mogadishu:

WARNING: Mogadishu is regarded as the most lawless and dangerous city on Earth. It is not safe for leisure or toursim. If you are planning a visit for international aid work, etc., you will need expert advice and planning.

• Despite the absence of a government and the endless fighting, the country has a healthy "informal" economy.
• In Mogadishu, hotels continue to operate. They are protected by private militias.
• There is virtually no industry today. Most of of the machinery was looted and sold for scrap.
• There are, nationwide, -0- AM radio stations, 1 FM station, 3 TV stations, a half million radios and 150,000 TV sets. I wonder if they get I Love Lucy reruns...
• There are 3 internet service providers and a few hundred internet users.
• There are about 1,500 miles of paved roads.
• There are 60 airports in Somalia. 7 of them have paved runways.

That is all. Yar!