The Vagrant and the Fern

On one of our vacations, we took a cruise that docked in Miami. Our plans included an extra day at the end to hang out in Miami before returning home. We decided to spend part of the day at a beach in the renowned South Beach area.

It was not without some trepidation that the beach trip was agreed upon. I reminded the Mrs of the trip, years earlier, when we had spent some time in Miami, and decided to stroll through the park out to "World Famous Miami Beach". As we passed the outdoor shower area where beachgoers can rinse off the sand and salt, we were startled by the unpleasant sight of a free spirited chap who was partaking in his morning ablutions. Told otherwise, we had stumbled upon some yahoo, naked as a jaybird, soaping up his flabby ass etc. as if he was home in the privacy of his shower, which I'm guessing he didn't have, neither the home nor the shower. "Just keep moving, kids, wow, look at those waves! "

So, this time, as we drove slowly along Collins Avenue, I was on the lookout for unusual pedestrians. We were the second or third car in line at a red light when a rather hirsute and unkempt chap sidled up on the sidewalk alongside our car, wheeling his belongings in front of him. As we watched, he leapt backward (as well as a hobbling hobo in a trenchcoat can leap, more like a slow motion lurch) and began a tirade that was directed at a potted fern on the stairs of a residence.

The fern, a more resolute being than Hairy Harry, held its position, as Hairy railed on, his arms waving, his demeanor becoming more animated by the moment.

Ever the image of self control, the fern stood its ground. We had now held our observation position through several cycles of the traffic signal, evoking horns, hollers and gestures from the cars who passed us. This excitement served only to spur Hairy to greater levels of disenchantement with the fern, as Hairy seemed to think that passersby were supporting his argument.

Finally, Hairy threw both arms skyward in disgust, dismissed the fern, reclaimed his shopping cart condo and resumed shuffling. Amazed and highly amused, we drove on, having been grandly entertained by this singular display of disorientation.

Two stoplights ahead, and this is the absolute truth, an individual who could have passed for Hairy's long lost twin shuffled into view. There were no ferns in sight, but new Hairy II flew into a rage nonetheless and began his own highly animated tirade against an unseen antagonist. We didn't need a second show, so as the light turned green we headed on for the beach.

World Famous Miami Beach, that is.

Careful With the Cronies, Barack

I have been highly unimpressed with the reign of Arne Duncan over the Chicago Public Schools system. Most notorious among his "achievements" was the institution of the pay for grades program, where students get cash payments from the schools for each of their grades. CPS already has a big spending-per-pupil number, and this scambo doesn't do anything to improve it, in my judgement it just throws some hush money into the equation.

So I was rather disturbed to see that Barack was putting old Arne up for Secretary of Education. I know that Arne has a decent jump shot and he's an awesome rebounder, but after the White House basketball team finishes its season, there is some actual work to be done, and Checkbook Arne doesn't impress me as the guy to do it.

Then I caught a story in the SunTimes last Thursday that the CPS had spent $67,000 on expresso machines last year (along with some other interesting mal-administration, detailed in the audit), adding to the resume of Arne Duncan, Power Forward. Let's see, the CPS year in review...some loony preacher takes busses full of kids up to New Trier, cash payouts to kids, changing grades for athletes, spending $250,000 bussing kids into a school in Gage Park they weren't supposed to be in and expresso instead of algebra books. We're only half way through the school year, too, so there's surely more to come.

Arne might foul out early in this game. Maybe Barack should be looking for bench strength, say the accomplished veteran, Paul Vallas. I'm not sure about Paul's jump shot, though.

National Championship Trophy

This is The Coaches' Trophy, awarded annually to the winner of the BCS national title game, the national champion of the college football world. A trophy just like the one pictured here will go to the winner of tonight's Florida v. Oklahoma game.

The trophy is a handmade Waterford crystal football mounted on a mahogany base. It's valued at something like $30,000.

In the spring of last year, a high school football player from Plant High School (near Lakeland), who was taking a tour of the University of Florida, bent over and in the process butt-whacked the University's 2006 trophy off the table upon which it had been set.

The kid broke a $30,000 trophy. Insert here your own joke about dumb-ass, stupid ass, big-ass, etc.

It was insured. I refer to the trophy, not the infringing visiting buttocks. Apparently, two or three replacement crystal footballs are ordered each year from Waterford by the various schools who have one of these pricey baubles. Accidents happen. If I were in charge of a the safety of a $30,000 trophy, I would think that accidents should never, ever, happen, but I don't deal with enormous young athletes for a living, so maybe I'm being naive. If you would like, Waterford.com has mini versions of the football, four inches long, that you can own for $185, plus shipping, of course.

The kid hasn't made a college choice yet, but he is already famous.

That is all.

Resolutions

Yahoo ran a story the other day with a bunch of celebrities' New Year's resolutions. Brittney wants to stop biting her nails, some rapper wants "ten bitches with money", and Cameron Diaz says she thinks she should start wearing a bra.

I don't care about Brittney's nails, any woman who hooks up with a chap who refers to her as one of his bitches deserves what she gets, and Cameron Diaz, braless or not, is rarely relevant to my existence or my entertainment world.

The list brought up two thoughts. The first is that my highly intelligent, young, professional daughter recently confided in mi esposa that she is a Brittney Spears fan. Not just a fan, but a "huge fan". It is amazing, the things that kids say, even adult kids whom you think you know. I would have been less surprised had she said that she is a closet Trekkie or that she is being treated for an addiction to cole slaw. Brittney? Isn't being a Brittney fan like looking up to the trailer park gang from My Name is Earl?

The second reflection is a further bit of consternation, this one as to why Cameron Diaz would want to remind the world that she demurs when it comes to selecting underwear. Cameron has always seemed to me to be quite charismatic, and she has taken modest thespian skills a long way. She is also pleasantly attractive, though not overly endowed in the hooter department. Cameron also seems to always accomodate with a knockercentric photo pose. I am, therefore, casting my vote that Cameron Diaz, no, she should not start wearing a bra in 2009.

As for my own New Year's resolutions, I don't make any. I make resolutions along the way, throughout the year, each time I find some issue worth resolving about. For example, every few months I resolve to cut back on the number of f-bombs that I drop, cutting back to maybe a couple of hundred a day. Likewise, I frequently resolve to avoid things and people that annoy me, and by acting on those things in real time instead of waiting for a new year, I keep my pissed-off quotient manageable, most of the time. Some of the time, anyway.

I frequently resolve to try to enjoy life's moments more frequently, and I have success with this in spurts. This resolution leads to surrounding oneself with people that make life enjoyable, and likewise accepting that some folks are simply assholes and deserve whatever misery is their current lot.

That's it. Brittney, bitches and boobs. Just another happy day.

Spaceship Earth

I have been hearing for most of my life a few terms about our planet that make no sense to me, probably because I paid no attention when someone tried to teach me . I am referring to Equinox and Solstice, the planetary behaviors, not the names of the teachers to whom I paid no attention. I have a vague recollection that Disney, too, may have tried to teach me this as I rode thru spaceship earth in Epcot, but I was much more interested in hollering "wooooo-hoooo, this is awesome" than in paying attention to the disembodied voice that was trying to educate me.

As I have recently remedied my ignorance (only in this specific area), I would like to share what I have learned…before I forget it, which will likely occur very soon.

First, equinox. If we grab the “equi” part, which is derived from "equs", “equal”, it’s easy to remember the meaning. Twice a year, during the earth’s trip around the sun, the tilt of the Earth’s axis will be neither toward nor away from the sun. At this point, we have equal amounts of daylight and darkness. One time is in the spring, and one time is in the fall. The spring is the vernal equinox, the fall is the (duh) autumnal equinox. Vernal, by the way, comes from the latin "ver", spring. How 'bout that...
Solstices are the other extremes from the equinoxes. During the solstices, the relative tilt of the earth’s axis is at its extremes. The result is that at the summer solstice, we have the greatest amount of daylight and at the winter solstice we have the least amount of daylight.

At this time, those of you who are versed in astronomy are rightfully incensed that I have skipped about 99% of the science that explains all this. You are correct. I have elected not to attempt explaining that science because it made my brain hurt. I will, however, throw in some cocktail party factoids that I encountered along the way.

The earth rotates on an imaginary axis that is tilted at 23.44 degrees.
The tilt varies between 22.1 and 24.5 degrees.
The tilt is why we have seasons.
These solstices and equinoxes are instantaneous, fleeting points in time.
The earth rotates on its axis. The earth revolves around the sun.
The orbit of the earth (revolution) is elliptical.
The earth is moving through space at 67,000 miles per hour.
The orbit takes 365.26 days. That .26 necessitates the leap year adjustment.
We just had the winter solstice on December 21.

In 2009, the vernal equinox will occur March 20, and summer solstice will occur June 20th, at one minute to midnight.

My brain is starting to hurt again, so it is time to stop.