Just Say No

Dear President Obama,

I would like to start this letter out by saying I would be psyched to hear you speak at any event. If that event were my commencement (unfortunately, I'm not graduating from anywhere this year) or a ceremonial reading of the dictionary, I would attend with great excitement.

As you know you have been invited to speak at many commencement ceremonies, and you have chosen three schools: Notre Dame, ASU, and the Naval Academy. The Midshipmen have responded graciously to your acceptance of their invitation, but then again, I guess they kind of have to. They do work for you, after all.

The rosary clutching masses have rebuked Notre Dame and the university president, for even having invited you in the first place. Ugh, that must leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Maybe you should rescind your acceptance. That would teach 'em, eh?

Now, ASU is refusing to give you an honorary degree. (Even Notre Dame is willing to bestow that honor upon you, even if when you turn over the diploma it comes stamped with protest pictures of aborted fetuses and a prayer for your eternal salvation.) They say your body of work is not such that it deserves an honorary degree. Ouch. That's gotta sting. I would think that being the President of the US merits an honorary degree on its own, even just being a regular old run-of-the-mill President. But the first African American President? Man, that didn't even cut it for them.

So I think you should just say no to ASU, too. Instead, I would like to invite you over to my apartment on either of those two days in May. I'm free both, so whatever works for you. Please bring Michelle, the girls, and your dog, if you have one at that point. I will not protest your arrival, and I will give you an honorary degree from a university I make up. I will print it out at work so that I can use the color printer. It will have several gold stars on it. I will use a color palette that complements the Oval Office so you can put it right there on your desk. It will also come with a "World's Best President" mug.

So, I hope to see you soon, Mr. President.

Sincerely,
Amy

P.S. If you'd prefer I confer the honorary degree upon you at your place, I can swing that too. I've got a free Southwest flight and they fly into Dulles.