MMM, Smells like bacon

The US House of Representatives has made public the list of amendments submitted to the Rules Committee for the $825 billion stimulus bill: HR.1 - American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. You can check out the complete list for some light reading, but I've listed some of the highlights for you below:



#129 - Flake (AZ) - Would prohibit funds from being used for any duck pond, museum, skate park, equestrian center, dog park, ski hill, historic home, ice rink, splash playground, or speaker system. Thank God! There are honestly just so many duck ponds in my neighborhood, and all those damn ducks seem to do is hang out at the local skate park next to the historic home and listen to music loudly on the speaker system. I swear, once the equestrian park moved in a few years ago, the neighborhood really went downhill. Splash playgrounds are springing up all over the place! And I think we all know museums are absolutely a menace to society.

#130 - Flake (AZ) - Would strike funding in the bill for the National Foundation on the Arts and the Humanities and the National Endowment for the Arts. Well OBVIOUSLY. If we're not funding museums we should definitely not fund the NEA. Why should those artists waste their time when they'll have no where to display their craft?

#59 - Hodes (NH) - Would allow states a time extension to complete Federal Highway Administration-funded projects if cold weather and freezing necessitate a longer time frame. I'm honestly surprised this has to be specified. Apparently, this is not common sense, as Hodes is particularly concerned about New Hampshire getting screwed due to bad weather. His Amendment #177 would allow states a time extension to complete funded projects if progress is disrupted due to crappy weather. This guy's clearly been through some bad winters.

#180 - Hoekstra (MI) / Bean (IL) - Would accelerate the depreciation time of commercial heating, ventilation, air conditioning and refrigeration (HVACR) units from 39 to 20 years. Phew! I cannot tell you how many times I have stayed up all night agonizing about HVACR depreciation. THIS is exactly the kick in the pants our economy needs.

#176 - Multiple Reps, mostly from CA - Would authorize $198 million for compensation for Filipino World War II Veterans. I had no idea there was such a large contingency of Filipino WWII vets. Either way, lets hope they've embraced the American way of spending and pump that $198M right back in the economy!

#78 - Kingston (GA) - Would reduce the funds appropriated or otherwise made available by this Act by 1 percent. Really? I mean its $825 billion...who cares about a measly 8.25 billion? Honestly, Kingston, loosen the purse strings a little.

#43 - Lipinski (IL) - Would require that any money spent under the bill be used to buy American-made products whenever possible. What a breath of fresh air - someone taking this bill very literally. No one told Lipinski he could tack on an amendment that provides $200 million in aid to Christmas tree farmers, or prohibits any spending of the funds on Tuesdays or any 7th of the month.

#61 - Mitchell (AZ) - Would prevent the automatic pay adjustment for Members of Congress from going into effect in 2010. Thanks for taking one for the team!

#32 - Nadler (NY) - Would increase appropriations in the bill by 75 percent. Neugebauer (TX) didn't react too favorably to this one...his amendment #109 would strike the appropriations provisions from the bill entirely. I think the standard procedure in the House of Representatives to remedy this is best-of-three Rock Paper Scissors.

#147 - Pitts (PA ) - Would require parental notification when a family planning clinic enrolls a minor in Medicaid. I think its pretty clear how exactly this relates to the economy. And by "clear", I mean "completely unrelated."

#76 - Snyder (AR) - Would allow funds to be appropriated for public aquariums, zoos, and swimming pools. As long as "public aquarium" isn't long for "duck pond," and "swimming pool" isn't fancy for "splash playground", Flake from AZ is perfectly cool with this. If there are horses in the zoo, though, that could be a deal breaker.

#5 - Wilson (SC) - Would strike all sections of the bill except those that fund our military and veterans, improve our nation’s infrastructure, and cut taxes. OH but COME ON, Wilson! What about HVAC depreciation??? How do you supposed to solve THAT one, huh? HUH?

Feel free to check out the full list and read first-hand politics at its most efficient: http://www.rules.house.gov/amendment_details.aspx?NewsID=4133. I don't mean to ruin the ending, but it looks like if this bill gets passed, no funding is going toward the National Mall Revitalization Fund. Try not to shed too many tears over that one.