Sexiest Man Alive 2008

When I saw that People Magazine had published its Sexiest Man Alive 2008 list, I immediately pulled up the list on the net. Naturally, I wanted to see if I was on the list, and hadn't been given notice ahead of time, it would make me Sexyman peevish, and I needed to know if any of the guys from the neighborhood or from work had made the list and if I had been left off, so I could get my stack of derisive comments ready.

Well, now that I have perused this supposedly authoritative compilation, I can see that we never had a fair chance. Here is the list, and you will see that it is bogus, with a lot of nancyboys and fops, whose place here I shall negate, forthwith.

#15. David Beckham

Cool, even if he does play soccer. List position affirmed.

#14. Joshua Jackson

Came from Dawson's Creek. Nancyboy! To quote Alfred E. Neuman, "bleccchhh"! List position emphatically denied.

#13. Robert Pattinson
A Harry Potter actor. Riiiight...absolutely not acceptable on a sexyman list, no way. Dweeby ain't sexy. Denied.

#12. Javier Barden

This is the guy from No Country for Old Men who went around blasting people with the livestock stun gun. Niiiice.... If you can walk around with a compressed air tank and have your way, you have arrived. List position affirmed.

#11.Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Married 12 years with two kids, likes to look shaggy. That's the good. Starred in Saved by the Bell and hyphenated first name. That's the not so good. Write it off as a youthful indiscretion . List position affirmed, barely.

#10. Lang Lang

Lang Lang is a Chinese piano player. Yes yes, I'm serious serious, a Chinese piano player. All those kung fu guys, and they pick a piano player? Jim Lang, maybe. (He was the host on The Dating Game, remember "...and heeeeere they are!")Lang Lang, denied denied.

#9. Blake Shelton

If you're going to put a country singer on the list, I say you go Toby Keith. Big, rough, truck selling guy who was a roughneck in the oil fields, We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way, yeah, baby! Sorry Blake, denied.

#8. Michael Phelps

Pile of Olympic gold aside, this is a weird dude, more reptile than Sexyman. List position denied.

#7. Ed Westwick
21 years old from something called Gossip Girls. Looks like he spends a lot of time looking in the mirror practicing his cool look. If you are, you don't need to practice. List position denied.

#6. Blair Underwood

He's 44, has three kids, always projects a pissed off attitude on screen, and women grab his ass in supermarkets. And who among us has not had that happen, getting groped at the deli counter while they're packing our pierogis? Position affirmed.

#5. Robert Buckley

27 years old, appeared in Lipstick Jungle. Who the hell is this guy? Denied.

#4. Zac Efron
This little fella starred in High School Musical 3. Is there anything in that description that sounds remotely sexy or manly? No. Nothing. And the photo from the list had "Sexy Zac" laying on a beach all wet in a jacket and tie. Sexyman no, dopy-ass kid yes. List position denied.

#3. Jon Hamm

This guy is one of the stars of Mad Men. If I want to see Mad Men, I will go to the local tavern during any Bears game. It ain't sexy, but it's real. Double denied.

#2. Daniel Craig

He's James Bond. He does a lot of his own stunts. List position definetly affirmed.

#1. Hugh Jackman

"6 ft 2 in, all scruff and biceps...can sing, dance and wield a weapon" Puh-leeze! I'm big and scruffy on Sunday mornings and I can sing and I dance at weddings sometimes, but I'm not on the list...what is going on here, double standard wise?! Hugh Jass, maybe...

OK, ladies (and gents, we are not gender discriminate here), what do you think? To view the list

http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20237714_20241212_20545237,00.html

Size Matters

Top Ten American Universities by Enrollment

10. Penn State 42,900

9. University of South Florida 43,600

8. Texas A&M 45,400

7. Michigan State 45,500

6. University of Central Florida 46,600

5. Texas 49,700

4. Minnesota 50,400

3. Florida 50,900

2. Arizon State 51,200

1. Ohio State 51,800

These figures are full time students during 2006. Now, the wager results for the weekend and some cheerbabe photos.

Cheerbabes workin' it, 1959 -->

Army @ Rutgers –17
Rutgers, 30-3

17 looks a little tall on the spread, but you gotta play to win.

"W"

Illinois –2.5 @ Northwestern

'Cats, 27-14
Cheer for the Wildcats, bet on the Illini.

I lost some cash, but I love the 'Cats!

"L"

Pittsburgh +5 @ Cincinnatti

Cincinnatti, 28-21
It’s the Wannie factor.

Bettting on Wannie is like betting on USB.

"L"

Tennessee +3 @ Vanderbilt

Tennessee, 20-10
I think Tennessee is less better, maybe more worse.

"W"


Syracuse @ University of South Bend –19.5

Syracuse wins a big one, 24-23
The Manatee’s group will, for this Saturday, ring down the thunder (pause) from the sky and quell all the buyout rumors. Syracuse stinks, South Bend will be rockin’.

South Bend was rockin: the student section was throwing snowballs at the football team, the crowd booed their beloved team, and USB lost to a team that's already fired their coach but is making him work the rest of the season. I simply can't stand USB. No more betting on them. Never, ever, ever.

"L"

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma –7

OK 65, TT 21
This is going to be a great football game.

It was, if you're a Sooners fan.

"W"

Michigan State +14 @ Penn State
Penn State, 49-14
everything says Penn State. I say MSU.

With the spread, I still lost by 21. Gawd, I suck at this.

"L"

Boise State –6 @ Nevada

Boise, 41-34
Boise State needs to rock somebody's world without the blue field.

Rock someone my ass. They need to play a little defense. Still, we squeak by.

"W"

Idaho @ Hawaii –23.5
Rainbows, 49-17
Pete’s Perfect Pick

"W"

Five W's and four L's sthis weekend. After 12 weeks, back where I began.

Purple Flag on Saturday

NCAA Forces Sweet Sioux Into Retirement Today

Politically Incorrect, My Ass!

Pirates Update and Football Picks

Update on the Somalian pirates: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081121/ap_on_bi_ge/piracy

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Sure, healthy, wealthy and wise... I am 43-44-2 as we launch week 12. Ya pays yer money and ya takes yer chances.

Army @ Rutgers –17
Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, comes in at 5-5, the Black Knights of Army are 3-7, 1-3 on the road. Rutgers has had a very average season against much better opposition than the Army has faced. 17 looks a little tall on the spread, but you gotta play to win.
Illinois –2.5 @ Northwestern
The book kicks the ‘Cats in the pride once again. NU is 8-3, the Illini are 5-6. The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk is on the line, Illinois needs another win to become bowl eligible (not necessarily bowl worthy) and Northwestern needs the win to get a better bowl. The Illini are more up and down than anyone in football, and they’re due for an up. Cheer for the Wildcats, bet on the Illini.
Pittsburgh +5 @ Cincinnatti
Here I go again, another ride on the Wannie coaster. Pitt is undefeated on the road, Cincinnatti is undefeated at home. Something’s gotta give, and since I’m leaning Cinci, I’m betting Pitt. It’s the Wannie factor.
Tennessee +3 @ Vanderbilt
“The Vanderbilt Commodores”. Sounds impressive and snotty, doesn’t it? Tennessee is 3-7 with no road wins. Vandy started their season 5-0, then lost four in a row before beating Kentucky last week. Vandy’s not that good, but I think Tennessee is less better, maybe more worse.
Syracuse @ University of South Bend –19.5
The Manatee’s group will, for this Saturday, ring down the thunder (pause) from the sky and quell all the buyout rumors. Syracuse stinks, South Bend will be rockin’, as it celebrates the beginning of six months of winter in northern Indiana. Reminisce about that.
Texas Tech @ Oklahoma –7
This is going to be a great football game. The Sooner Schooner is one of the coolest mascots in the world, and they have contortionist cheerleaders. I’m taking Oklahoma, OK.
Michigan State +14 @ Penn State
I have problems predicting Penn State. There’s going to a several million people in the stands at Happy Valley, it’s going to be cold, Michigan State has a history of losing big games, JoePa is a legend, everything says Penn State. I say MSU.
Boise State –6 @ Nevada
Boise State needs to rock somebody's world without the blue field.
Idaho @ Hawaii –23.5
Two Gun Pete made this a Pete’s Perfect Pick. Go with it!

Divine Caroline

There's a website, Divine Caroline, that has a guide to interpreting one's body, called What Our Features Say About Us. This guide says that physical characteristics can indicate personality traits. Here's a sample of Divine Caroline's outlook, and a slightly more pragmatic approach.

Eyes--Caroline Says: Look at the space between your eyes--can you imaging another eye fitting there? No? Narrow, you are closed minded. Yes? You are open minded and averse to authority. Perfect fit? Good judgement, balanced view of the world.

Eyes--I say: When I was a kid, I spent a summer working in my uncle's machine shop. One of the employees was Crazy Richie, whose eyes never looked in the same direction simultaneously. He could stand on the corner facing southwest and look east on 51st Street and north on Damen Avenue at the same time. Never knew if he was talking to you, the guy next to you or to himself. Richie could have used that third eye to balance things out, it would have been his "straight ahead eye", kind of like a Bose system, where the bass sounds come from the center speaker. Remember the Creature from the Black Lagoon? One eye, center stage, freaky.

Nose--Caroline says: Big nose, could get caught up in money. Small nose, shy, timid. Wide nose, emotional, laid-back. Thin nose, tightly wound, tempermental.

Nose--I say: If your parents did their job, you learned to keep your nose out of other people's business or risk ending up with a big, wide beezer to help you remember. By the way, did you know that Abraham Lincoln's nose on Mt. Rushmore is 21 feet long? Divine Caroline doesn't talk about that, now does she, or that a big nose makes you personally aerodynamic.

Fingers--Caroline says: Long fingers, deep thinking, logical. Short fingers, goes by gut, sensible.

Fingers--I say: The guy on the highway yesterday had one real long finger and I don't think he was a deep thinker.

The Feet--Caroline says: Podomancy is the study of feet as a means of divination.

The Feet--I say: there is a whole area of fetishism devoted to people who are really into this. It's simple. Some people have really f***ed up feet, all gnarled up and nasty. Some don't. Podomancy my arse.

For more weird Caroline, go to http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22264/59849-features-say-us

That is all.