April Fool

April Fool!




How many times have you heard that? How many times have you wondered where it came from? Even so, would you please keep reading?

Way back when, the new year began around April 1, as it was related to the vernal equinox. In 1582, Pope Gregory ordered up a new calendar -- called, not so coincidentally, the Gregorian calendar. Spooky, like Lou Gehrig catching Lou Gehrig's Disease.


The new calendar moved the beginning of the year to January 1. As there was no CNN back in 1582, and the newspapers that are now failing had not yet been invented, a lot of people didn't hear about Greg's New Year, and some of those who did hear about it declined to adopt it. The early adopters of the new New Year made fun of those who didn't know or refused to switch, and the non-compliant were referred to as April fools.

Another version of the origin of April Fool is that back in BC May 1 was the day for planting crops, and people who jumped the gun were referred to as April Fools.

Yet another explanation is a reference in The Canterbury Tales to the actions of fools on the date March 32nd. Comedy Channel hadn't been invented yet, either.

There's a history of pretty good April 1 pranks, including:

Burger King advertising left handed Whoppers
Taco Bell purchasing the Liberty Bell : the Taco Liberty Bell
Lincoln Mercury buying the Lincoln monument : the Lincoln Mercury monument
The invention of spaghetti trees
Countries shifting to metric time
The discovery of Sidd Finch, the baseball pitcher with a 168 mph fastball

None of that stuff was all that funny or clever, but it was better than what's going on today. There's supposed to be some nasty computer virus that busts loose this year on April 1.

Bet Greg never saw that one coming.

Quality Cars?

Here's the latest JD Power dependability rankings for auto brands. I've presented it upside down, so it goes from worst to first. If I had the time, I'd create an index of dependability compared to average sales price, and this would change the list a lot.


Suzuki came in last- new slogan : "King of the Crap Wagons"
Volkswagen - next to last, and they dumped spokesmodel Brooke Shields!
Land Rover - haha, look how much you paid!


Isuzu - whatever happened to Joe Isuzu?
SAAB - test drove one, once. The console fell apart when I opened it. Sob...

Scion - kiddie cars

HUMMER - look like enormous gym lockers on wheels, but at least it's not a Land Rover

Pontiac - strong performer -- in the 60's
Kia - the auto division of Chia Pets
Saturn - nice cars that will be extinct in two years

MINI- a little for a lot
Dodge - Al Bundy drove a Dodge. So did my dad, and Richard Petty.
Nissan - pretty average cars. We've owned three.

Volvo - boring as a drive across Kansas. The Chinese may buy the company.

Chevrolet - ain't that America! Had a couple over the years.

Mitsubishi - no one actually buys these. No one.
Mercedes-Benz - less dependable than Chrysler, whom they divorced.

GMC - tarted-up Chevys, so why are they better?
BMW - beat Mercedes, lost to Hyundai. Ha-ha.
Chrysler - believe it...or not. I had two, so "not"

Subaru - OK, sure, why not?
Hyundai - they have come a long way.
Audi - VW's big expensive brother. Remember VW, next to last?

Ford - the healthiest US auto maker
Porsche - lotsa cash for the cache
Cadillac - great cars and Kate Walsh commercials

Honda - we love our Honda.
Lincoln - we like our Lincoln. A lot.
Acura - Honda with more frosting.

Infiniti - don't like 'em. Never have.
Mercury - had one. Surprisingly excellent car. Shitty marketing department.
Toyota - automotive appliances, but who can argue?
Lexus - the benchmark has been bested.

and in a tie for best...

Buick - I am impressed but I'm still not buying one. They dumped Tiger Woods, too.
Jaguar - This is now Tata Motors of India, by the way, and by the way of FoMoCo. They sell so few of these, each one should be perfect.

Newsreels

Today, a toy for you to play with at your leisure. It is the Universal Newsreel channel on YouTube.

For those of you under the age of ancient, newsreels were part of the cinema experience, whereby folks in the pre-TV age got their news visuals along with their entertainment at the movie theatre.

Very fun history lessons here!

http://www.youtube.com/user/UniversalNewsreels

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Different topic: Rick Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors, is "stepping down at the request of the White House". The boss of GM got canned by the President, the end of a 30+ year career that saw GM slide nearly out of existence.

The New Propaganda

I know that it is rather off-putting when, in the opening of an essay, the author begins at screaming level, with the emotional volume already on "10". I usually don't want to read on when that occurs, as the thought process tends to degenerate quickly.

In order to avoid that, I will say, as simply and as dispassionately as I can, that bankers and their political lap dogs have coined a new batch of phrases and terms that are designed to take your money and make it their money.

Barack's New Deal is quickly being wrapped in Bankers' New Bullshit.

The first term that I will present for your inspection is "toxic assets".

It is not unlike the old George Carlin "flammable/inflammable" routine. One is simply never certain what it means, so the usual decision is to let someone else handle it. Toxins are bad, so they must go, of course. The banks have "toxic assets" on their books, and for the banks to be healthy and for all of us to be happy and prosperous again the banks need to purge those toxins from their books. Mind you, these toxins are disguised as ASSETS, so we may infer that they are wily by nature, and the poor banks need assistance with this process, lest they be POISONED BY THE TOXIC ASSETS!!! SOUND THE ALARM, TO ARMS, CITIZENS, TO ARMS!!!

Slow down, Jasper, it's getting fragrant already.

Allow me to peel the layers of this particular onion. What is actually happening is that the bankers and the investors in the banks, some of whom include the bankers themselves by way of stock options, have screwed up to a fantabulous degree. They have pissed right thru the federal diaper that you and your kids and your kids' kids will pay for, for years and years and years to come. The bankers have made bad loans, ridiculously bad loans in many cases, and they want you to give them money to make the boo-boos better. You, taxpayer, give them more money, and at a time when they, the banks, have the whole goddammed country financially constipated because they aren't lending to anyone.

A little closer attention here to the term "toxic asset". This is so absurd that it would be cool, in a way, and if we didn't have to pay for it. It is elegant in its simplicity, as are many great swindles. Go back to junior high math to understand: a negative ("toxic") times a positive ("asset") is a negative. Unfortunately for the bankers/hucksters, bullshit is not arithmetic.

That allows us to consider the second popular term of the day "private participation will be required".

Bite me, banker boys.

In my business, when we screw up, we fix the screw up--at our cost. Screw up too many times and someone takes your place. It's basic Darwinism.

Our governmental units have become accustomed to "private participation" by raising taxes to cover their screw-ups: doing crappy stadium deals, financing ridiculous bad investments with public money, running inefficient governmental services, creating programs that bleed money endlessly instead of attempting to create solutions.

So beware, folks, when the new stewards of bullshit, the bankers, begin to inform us that "private participation will be required", what the are saying is that their political buddies are coming for your wallet, to make some more of your money their money.

That is where we began this quiet rant, so it would appear that we have come full circle.

That is all.

My New Favorite Commercial

I'm lovin' it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD64OhbG4ps&feature=related