Point Spread Mania

Gotta move fast, strike and score today. We have ground to make up: a .500 record is within stiking distance. Trick or treat?

Iowa @ Illinois –2
Up and down, down and up, the Illini, the highly talented, highly touted Illini, are 4-4 as they welcome the Iowa Hawkeyes to Champaign. The Illini got whupped by Wisconsin last week, 27-17. The Hawks are on a two game win streak, interrupted with a bye week. They have a 5-3 record and are feeling reborn. Both teams will have 5-4 records come Sunday morning.
The over and under on this game is 50. It will have gone over before its over .

Northwestern @ Minnesota –7
The ‘Cats lost their leading rusher and probably their quarterback to injury in last week’s disaster at Indiana. Omar Conteh will do well as the running back. Mike Kafka, well, the jury’s out on him as the QB. Minnesota is 4-0 at home in the dome. Minnesota stays undefeated, and the scoring stays under the 44 point limit.

Iowa State @ Oklahoma State –30.5
I have a weakness for big spread games. OK State lost to #1 Texas last week, and they are going to score 1.3million points against the Cyclones this week to make themselves feel better.

Missouri –21.5 @ Baylor
It’s getting to the time of year when coaches like to pile it on to try to shine up their teams’ rankings. The money is huge in favor of Mizzou. Take ‘em.

Washington @USC –45
I look for Pete Carroll’s Trojans to try to annihilate Tyrone’s Washington. 45’s a lot of points. Buckle up!

Wisconsin @ Michigan State –5
Sparty is going to send the Badgers back to the other side of the pond with a butt whippin’. Wisconsin used up their charms last week on the Illini.

Washington State at Stanford –30.5
Washington State is inept. That is by acclaim. Jim Harbaugh’s Cardinal don’t get many opportunities to really paste anyone, so they’re unlikely to pass this one up.

Spring Ahead, Fall Behind

The ritual of changing the clocks is one of the dumbest acts we humans have programmed for ourselves.

In the 1880's, the railroads in North America instituted standard time zones. This seems to me to have been a really good idea, particularly for the railroads. Imaging chugging your big ol' iron horse into Podunk, Iowa, and having the conductor leap to the station platform and pull out his stopwatch to check to see that the train's on time. He notices there isn't a soul in sight to board the train. He walks in to the station, where the station master informs him of the source of his error. "Here in Podunk, we're on Iowa reformed time, yessir, so your train should have been here 37 minutes ago, or we might be waiting for you in an hour or so, unless this is the fourth Tuesday of thresher season., when you were here yesterday."

So we got standard time zones, including Canada, because you know how troublesome those Canadians could be, with their Mounties and their grizzly bears and their mountain men and all.

In 1918 the Standard Time Act was established and daylight savings time came with it. It was so popular that the act was repealed in 1919. Daylight savings time became a "local matter".

In February 1942 daylight savings time was reinstituted on a national scale, staying in place until September of 1945. For the next twenty years, America would wander through space and time, with no one telling it to change clocks.

Then came 1966 and the Uniform Time Act, stipulating that the clocks would go back and forth on the last Sunday in April and the last Sunday in October. Except where local custom prevailed.

Then came the energy crisis. In response to widespread gas shortages, increasing prices and long lines at the pump, our American Congress responded with earlier starting dates for daylight savings time. In 1974, when there was no gasoline to put in your Chrysler Cordoba with the soft Corinthian leather upholstery, daylight savings time began on January 6. Hip-hip, hooray!? Hold on, there, Ricardo. That didn't solve everything, so daylight savings time was changed to February 23 for 1975. Huzzah!? No.

In 1976 we went back to the April dates. We disco'd on.

In 1986, another revelation occurred. It seems we had the start date wrong (oh, no!), so that date was revised to the first Sunday of April for 1987. The ending date, thankfully, was unchanged, to the relief of the nation.

For nearly twenty years this appeared to be the solution (I'm sorry, I don't recall what the problem was/is, but we are all about solutions!). Then, the Energy Policy Act of 2005 was passed (and we all know how well that's been going, the whole American National Energy Policy thing) and it decreed that thou shalt wait until MMVII and changeth the daylight savings timeth to begin on the second Sunday of March and maintaineth this time until the first Sunday in November.

So that's where we're at now in MMVIII, and three billion Chinese don't give a year of the rat's ass what time it is in Podunk where there's still nobody on the train, and you still gotta remember to change all those clocks in your house and your car and maybe your cellphone unless it's automatic and the guy on the Sunday morning polka show will laugh and remind you to fix the Betamax clock, too. Solutions, that's what we're all about here, solutions.

That is all.

Hugh Hefner is Not Blind

Hugh Hefner, pictured here with three Rhodes Scholars, is not blind. He is wearing those shades to look fashionable. Whether or not he actually manages to pull off that look is immaterial, as he is 82 years old -yes, 82- and he keeps company with people like those pictured here. He does not have to pay for their company, either, as I imagine your average 82 year old guy would have to do in order to achieve this level of , um , company. One of the three in the picture is Mr. Hefner's former main squeeze, who is referred to in the gossip columns as his former lover. I don't know which of the three it is, and I don't think it much matters, as they all appear to be blessed with or have acquired similar qualifications.

The first edition of Playboy Magazine was published in 1953, featuring Marilyn Monroe, who, had she not croaked 46 years ago, would be the same age as Mr. Hefner, and would not likely be displacing any of the companions in the photo.

I was in the process of assembling various Hefner factoids in order to explain in some depth who he is and what he has accomplished. Then I took another look at the picture, and it struck me that Mr. Hefner is (A) given credit for having a recent former lover, an unusual credit for 82 year old men considered as a group, and (B) the grandmother of said former lover is likely to be younger than Mr. Hefner.

That is all.

I Wish They'd Go Away

You know how we all love to jump on the bandwagon when there's a new popular phrase or punchline and we all use it and use it and use it and then it gets worn out and we all stop saying it and we're all relieved that we don't hear it anymore? Exhale, yes, I know, that was a big run on sentence.

It's more aggravating when it's a character or group of characters who weren't original or weren't all that interesting or are just plain dumb, and they keep on showing up, and they simply won't go away.

Example #1: the Superfans. These three nitwits and their banal simpering "da Bears" and "da Coach" still show up at all manner of events, dressed like they've dressed for years, telling the same jokes they've told for years, are the champs of the wont' go away group. They were funny when they were fresh. Kathleen Turner was a hottie once, too, but that ain't been the case for years, either.

Example #2: the phony Blues Brothers, local edition. These two reprise the roles that they didn't make famous and show up to all manner of events to skulk around in dark suits, fedoras and sunglasses. The originals were performers, and that ended twenty five years ago. Save the look for little guys at Halloween, where it looks really cool for little guys.

Example #2A: the phony Blue Brothers, national edition. This has been John Goodman and Jim Belushi's sin. Goodman has gone away, and for that we are grateful. Jim Belushi isn't going anywhere, and while he visits the music from time to time (e.g. the hokey Cub fan rally that preceded Cubflop 2008, a.k.a. Cflop 100), at least he doesn't dress up all the time.

Example #3: the screwballs in the green (usually) zoot suits. Dressed like the weasels from Roger Rabbit, these knuckleheads get credit for pioneering a look, and blame for not moving on. They're pretty harmless compared to the aforementioned curiousities, but they have taken pointless to a whole new level.

Example #4: the king of the wish-they-would-go-aways, Ronnie Woo Woo. What can you say about this guy that is less than vicious and spiteful? A favorite of the local media, this former toothless vagrant has parlayed a highly annoying, verge of idiocy, vocal affectation into free admission to games, countless other freebies, and the biggest freebie of all, free teeth when some dentist fixed him up out of kindness of his heart or maybe to be known as the dentist of choice for toothless vagrants. I heard that he (Woo Woo, not the dentist) showed up at Sox Park during the playoffs and tried his lame-o shtick there, to a less-than-loving response. For his own safety, if he's gonna keep up his shrieking, Ronnie needs to keep it confined to the confines of Wiggley, where they tolerate that stuff or are too blitzed to notice.

Example #5: fat guys dressed like Vegas Elvis. I'm reluctant to include these guys, 'cause there are very few things funnier than watching some untalented, flaccid fool prance around in a big bell bottomed body suit, flop sweat rolling out from under a nylon wig and sporting glue-on mutton chop sideburns, calling people "baby" and acting like they're excited - in a positive way- that he's there. This is entertaining in an unintended way, kind of like watching when a street mime does something extra stupid.

Who did I miss? Let me know.

The Wannie Factor

Last week, I was ever so excited that I had figured out the Dave Wannstedt equation and could now wager successfully on his Pitt Panthers. This week, the harsh reality of life with Wannie has returned. Same story with the Flighty Illini.

I have a headache.

Minnesota +1 @ Purdue
Minn 17, Purdue 6
Minnesota is a team on the rise. Purdue is floundering. Northwestern, coming off a bad loss and having just sustained injuries to key offensive players, is next on Minnesota's schedule.
"W"
Illinois –2.5 @ Wisconsin
Wisconsin 27, Illinois 17
...particularly when Juice Williams behaves.
Williams was intercepted three times. Illinois loses. Duh.
"L"
Rutgers @ Pittsburgh –9.5
Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey 54, Pitt 34

Pitt is real good, Rutgers isn’t.

There's some kind of bad mojo here, like an ex-Cub factor or a 100 year Cubs factor, or let's just call it the Wannie Factor. Until Wannie's Pitt Panthers presented themselves, the biggest scoring uprising from dear old Rutgers in 2008 was 38 points, said total being amassed against renowned football powerhouse Morgan State. Morgan State, I learned, is located on the northeast side of Baltimore. From the Morgan State website: The University awards more bachelor's degrees to African-American students than any campus in Maryland.

So, there.

"L"
Notre Dame -11 @ Washington

University of SoBend 33, Tyrone's Washington 7
They are, however, going to go out and kick their old coach’s butt on Saturday.

Tyrone appears to have executed the Peter Principle illustrated, twice. I thought that Willingham had been done a disservice when he was sent packing by the University of South Bend. Turns out they were cutting their losses. When Washington lets him go, I don't see anyone rushing in to hire TW.

"W"

Two up and two down for the week. Boring. Still stuck at three under.