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The End

I've retired.

Thank you for having joined me here.

Commute Week, Part V

There are stories of commutes out there, I'm tellin' you, there are horror stories. If you haven't had enough of this stuff, Quaker State Motor Oil is running a contest to determine who has the worst commute. Go to www.quakerstate.com to watch videos of the entries--or enter the contest yourself.

There's a guy who won a national contest a couple years ago. He was driving 186 miles each way from Mariposa to San Jose, California, to his job as an electrical engineer. He loves his job, his family likes the ranch where they live. The guy was spending 7 hours per day driving. Nuts.

So, commutes are tough. They're too long, too expensive, bad on your disposition and health. Working from home is an option for just a few. The harsh reality is that people have to make individual choices. Trading time for cash...that's why they call it work.

Commute Week, Part IV

Prequel #1: was that Idol's All Star Medley or did I have a nightmare when I dozed off? Freda Payne was...ghastly, simply ghastly. Thelma Houston, my son said it, looked like she belonged on the corner, though she can still sing. KC, well he wasn't so bad.

Prequel #2: As I was driving home yesterday, I came up behind a new looking car bearing the license plate "WED IV 25". The plate took me a moment to decipher, and I now wish the woman driving it a happy anniversary. That is the conclusion of "True Stories from My Wednesday Commute".

Today, class, we will learn about Paul Cornell, the king of networking, who invented the commuter suburb in these parts.

Cornell's family had moved to Illinois, following the death of the Paul's father when the boy was age nine. Paul worked his way through school, passed the bar exam and moved to Chicago in 1847.
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Chicago at this time was extremely walkable, with everything within a couple miles of the city center. Most people worked close to home, as the Dan Ryan, the Toyota Prius and the Howard Stern Morning Show had not yet been invented in 1850. It was around this time that an Illinois senator steered a friend to a hot real estate deal that would make money for everyone. Politics and the spoils of office had already been invented in 1850.

Paul Cornell had been rudely welcomed to Chicago. His life savings were stolen from him as he slept on the night he arrived in the city. A sympathetic lawyer provided Paul with a loan and got him a job. The lawyer's name was Stephen Douglas, as in Stephen Douglas, the Illinois Senator. The job was with the law firm of Skinner & Hoyne (as in Judge Skinner and Hoyne Avenue in the city).

Paulie worked hard, met a girl, got married. His new brother in law was John Evans, the man after whom the city of Evanston was named. Evans, along with a chap named Orrington Lunt (as in Orrington Street in Evanston and Lunt Avenue in Chicago) founded a school, Northwestern University, in his namesake town. John Evans, in turn, was related to George Kimbark (Kimbark Avenue, a north-south street that runs right into the University of Chicago), a real estate speculator and developer who would become the founder of Riverside, IL.

Anyhoo, south of the city there was a 300 acre parcel with a "For Sale" sign in it. The parcel of land extended from what is today 51st Street down to 55th Street and from Lake Michigan to the Illinois Central Railroad tracks.

Cornell bought the land and traded 60 acres to the IC railroad in exchange for the IC constructing a depot at 53rd Street and setting up 6 stops a day in and out of Chicago.
The commuter suburb and commuter railway were born. Cornell named his new area Hyde Park after the London version.

Kimbark bought land just west of Cornell's land. Cornell's uncle bought other adjoining land. The Illinois legislature created Hyde Park Township out of all that. The lads all made just a wee bit of money by developing their land. It probably didn't hurt to have a pal who was a Senator.

Oh, and Paul Cornell, the king of networking in the pre-LinkedIn era, had a cousin named Ezra who kept himself pretty busy, too. Ezra founded Cornell University back east.

Paul Cornell got Cornell Avenue in Hyde Park, a couple of streets east of the school that set up shop in his town, the University of Chicago, on Kimbark, over by there.

A scant 150 or so years later, you may wish to ruminate on all these hooked up guys as you sit in traffic, or sit on the train, or contemplate starting your own suburb so you can get rich and famous.

Ugh.

Since my dad cheated and wrote about American Idol, and because I'm sick today and feeling particularly sorry for myself, here is my contribution to the Commuter Week posts:

I commute between Chicago, the city in which I live, to Las Vegas, the city in which I work, each Monday and Friday. I am spending about 7.5 hours in a plane each week. Add to that number the 45 minutes between Midway and my apartment (once on Monday, once on Friday), and the 30 minutes between McCarran and the client site (once on Monday, once on Friday), plus the 20 minutes between my hotel and the client (my daily commute…eight times per week), and you have a total weekly commute time of 12 hours and 40 minutes. Over the last seven months, I have spent approximately 355 hours commuting, roughly equivalent to two full weeks of my life.

In the same time period, my father has spent just over a day and a half commuting to and from work.

If I had been working in the office during this time, I would have had to face a 30 minute door-to-desk commute twice per day. That adds up to just under 6 days of commute time. I would like 8 days of my life back, please.

If my math is wrong, please forgive me and look the other way. I'm trying to type this quickly since I'm at work right now and should be working, not blogging. My employer can subtract five minutes from the 8 days I am requesting be refunded to my life. That is all.

Commute Week, Part III

The judges commuted the sentence last week, so this week 2 of the remaining 7 American Idol contestants are headed for the discard pile. Yes, I have used a cheap trick to tie in American Idol with the commuting theme of this week, but really, what's more important? I get cranky if I cannot be snide and smug once a week about the sing for your supper gang.

So let's get on with it: it's disco week. Lots of stuff is gonna happen here to rip on, for sure.

Lead off singer was Lil Rounds, singing I'm Every Woman. Poor Lil, she works like crazy to please and seems to be a really nice person. She just doesn't have the charisma to get over the top. There was no excuse about being out of her genre this week. Randy made uncomfortable faces, Kara made noncommital comments and Simon says she gone. I think Paula had left to go to the ladies room.

Kris with a K Allen appears on my television holding an acoustic guitar and dressed in a t-shirt and jeans to do an interpretation of She Works Hard for the Money. I bet this is gonna suck big time! Boy, was I wrong. Accompanied by calypso-street-rock percussion, he blows everyone away with a unique interpretation. I have nothing bad to say, and neither did the judges. Hold on for a moment. Kris keeps doing this annoying "omygawd" grin with his eyes closed. , FINALLY, YES! Something to criticize!

Next was Danny, singing September. It was a fun performance. Another guy that I wanted to rip, and again I'm left with nothing. This night is not working for me.

The little red-haired girl comes next singing Hot Stuff. She reinvented a tired song, and visually this kid made an awesome impression again. You had to see it, if you didn't, go watch the video. Simon said it was "a briliant performance". Since I like the little red-haired girl, I am not disappointed that she did well.

Adam, the chalk in this race, is next. Donna Summer's If I Can't Have You is his choice. Another worn out, crappy song. The big dog reinvents it and hits another home run. The judges appear stunned, in a good way. Paula is on the verge of tears. Simon can't say enough good things. I'm thinking this lad may become a latter generation Freddie Mercury. Our 3:2 wager looks stronger every time this guy performs.
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Matt in the goddamn Hat does Stayin' Alive. He looks dopey thanks to the hat, works hard and comes up blechhhh. Seems like a nice fellow, Mat in the Hat. I bet he'd be a monster talent at the local clubs.,sans hat. He'll be gone, too bad, lad. So will his hat, thank heaven.
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Anoop finishes the show, and probably his run as a contestant, performing Turn on the Lights. This song sucked when it was new, and Anoop puts some weird spins on it, making it the kind of video that they'll use in a couple of years to tease him. The judges are kind (except Simon, thank heaven sometimes for Simon), but they won't save Anoop.
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My bet is that the two who get voted off the island will be Matt with his dopey Hat and Anoop. Top 3, can we bet on Top 3: Big Dog, Red Haired Girl and the other guy.

Commute Week, Part II

More effective than my car crusher at reducing commuting hassle is the state of the economy. According to the N.Y. Times, 30% of travel is commute related. Fewer people working means fewer people traveling on a daily basis.

In New York, ridership on trains is down from last year. Cars passing through toll booths are 5%-6% fewer in number than a year ago. The people who track these numbers say the numbers were down as they are now twice previously: after the 1987 market crash and the 2001 attack on the Twin Towers in NYC.

New Yorkers have the longest average commute to work, Chicagoans are next (that damned 2nd city thing again!).

Here, from the US Census Bureau (motto: it makes perfect Census to us, hahaha!) is a summary of commute times:

Ranking of large cities (populations of 250,000 or more):

• New York (38.3 minutes);
• Chicago (33.2 minutes);
• Newark, N.J. (31.5 minutes);
• Riverside, Calif. (31.2 minutes);
• Philadelphia (29.4 minutes);
• Los Angeles (29.0 minutes)

New York and Baltimore lay claim to having the highest percentage of people with “extreme” commutes; 5.6 percent of their commuters spent 90 or more minutes getting to work. People with extreme commutes were also heavily concentrated in Newark, N.J. (5.2 percent); Riverside, Calif. (5.0 percent); Los Angeles (3.0 percent); Philadelphia (2.9 percent); and Chicago (2.5 percent).

If you have ever been part of the communal parking lots that Los Angeles calls freeways, you are forgiven for questioning the veracity of the data. It is, by the way, data from 2005. The Census folks have been working on updates but are having trouble finding the time. It's the darn traffic...maybe they should try bicycles. Here's 2008 data for the top 5 cities for cycling to work:

• 3.47% Portland, OR
• 2.42% Minneapolis, MN
• 2.31% Seattle, WA
• 2.24% Tucson, AZ
• 1.85% San Francisco, CA

How did Minneapolis get in there?

If we sidestep home officing for the moment, the next best commute is walking. Here's where the walk to work people live:

• 12.55% Boston, MA
• 9.97% Washington, D.C.
• 9.59% San Francisco, CA
• 9.44% New York, NY
• 8.05% Philadelphia, PA

While the car commuters get all the media attention, there's a lot of people who have figured out a better way. The best commute is the stumble down in the stairs in your bunny slippers and turn on the computer commute. Makes my 8 minutes look like an eternity.

Commute Week, Part I

Like most of America, Mrs. PFOS and I suffer through a morning commute to earn our daily bread. Her drive to work is around 4 minutes if the stoplight is green. By comparison, my ride off to work can take a grueling 8, sometimes 10 minutes.

OK, our commuting lives, thru a series of events both fortunate and structured, are above average. My daughter has been commuting 1,900 miles each Monday for the last 7 months. She would be in the "below average" category in terms of being happy with her commute. While we're discussing it, yes, we're all among the fortunate to still be commuting to something during the Great Depression of the 00's. By the way, that is pronounced "oh-ohs", similar to "uh-oh", as in "I hope we've found the bottom before it gets to me".

So, as we begin "Commuting Week" here at NADM, I have chosen to address the problem that vexes most commuters: too many cars. Bear in mind, if you read NADM, you are OK. It is the other people out there, they are the ones who are driving the vehicles that constitute the "too many". Now, this issue of too many cars is a substantial one, with ramifications that are serious and far-reaching, affecting many, many people. I have therefore decided to consult the source to which I frequently turn when I am faced with issues of this magnitutde.

Ebay.

If I were the marketing person at Ebay, I would tell the world "All the answers are here. You just furnish the questions." In this case, the question is too many cars. Here is the answer.

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Big Mac Portable Car Crusher Truck Auto Salvage Trailer

You are Bidding on a Portable Big Mac Car Crusher.
These Machines sell new for around $180,000.00+
　
Rebuilt Detroit Engine
Capable of crushing a car or truck down to 14”
Able to Crush Three to five scrap autos, with or without engines, into thirty-inch high bundles
　
The unit is in Nice Shape, The Cylinders were rebuilt last year.
The Crushing bed was completely rebuilt last summer and built heavier then factory, all work was done professionally by Greiner Industries.
Detroit engine was also rebuilt at the same time.
This machine is equipped with a controller box to add a remote for operating machine from loader, we do not have a remote with the crusher.

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If you would like to pitch in on this, we will set it up on I-55 by the weigh station. We will put up a sign that says "FREE COFFEE AND" People are total suckers for coffee and. There will be a wall of fourteen inch steel bundles, and much more room on I-55, in a couple of days. Then we will move on to another highway.

You have problems, we have answers. Portable, very cool. Sorry about the missing remote.

Gimli Glider, Part II

When you run out of fuel in your Boeing 767, you get a 132 ton glider that is dropping out of the sky at 2,000 feet per minute. We pick up the story from yesterday with the plane at an altitude of 28,000 feet, or roughly 14 or less minutes to earth...with no power and no electronics except the radio.

There was actually a bit of power, just not electrical power. While the auxiliary power unit provided no electricity because it ran on jet fuel, the same source as the engines, there was a RAT onboard. RAT is the acronym for ram air turbine, a propeller driven hydraulic pump that had automatically dropped into the air flow under the plane when the engines stopped. The RAT supplied enough hydraulic pressure to steer the aircraft and to enable a dead stick landing.

On the ground, controllers were scrambling to find a place for the airplane to land. Quick calculations showed the craft with a glide ratio of 11:1, that is 11 forward units for each 1 unit of descent. The RAT had created extra drag, so the rate of descent had increased. Winnipeg airport was out of reach. The last option for a landing strip --as opposed to a landing "spot" -- was Gimli, an abandoned Canadian Air Force base. Co-pilot Maurice Quintal was familiar with Gimli,, having been stationed there while in the Air Force.

What neither the pilots nor the ground controllers knew nor had time to research was that since the Air Force had left Gimli, runway 32L had been reconfigured for local use. Gimli was now an amateur auto racing track. The left runway had a steel guardrail down the middle, a safety precaution for the dragstrip it had become, and an impeding on the landing strip it was about to become.

On the ground at Gimli, there was no drag racing this day, but that wasn't good news. It was Family Day for the Winnipeg Sports Car Club, so there were go-kart races, road races, campers, kids everywhere, everyone having a great time. The last thing they all expected to see at the former airfield was an airplane attempting to land.

Back on the airplane, the pilots had discovered that the RAT didn't supply enought hydraulic pressure to force the landing gear into position. Co-pilot Quintal hit the button to release the landing gear and heard it drop into place. Indicator lights showed the new problem: the nose gear had not locked in place.

It was six miles to Gimli.,at an air speed of 180 knots or so, just two minutes or so remained to get the big machine lined up to land. Pilot Pearson needed to both slow the airplane and descend. Without the power needed to employ the airbrakes, the only way he could simultaneously accomplish slower and lower was to throw the airplane into a side slip. That involves using the surface of the airplane to catch the air. To do that, the plane must no longer be pointed into its path like an arrow. The plane gets re-oriented so it's like a big "X" moving on the line of flight, belly first. When Pearson threw the plane into the side slip, half the passengers looked out the window at nothing but blue sky while the other half were staring at the ground, all this in silence, adding another element of terror to the occupants of the stricken airplane. Fate had reserved one positive for the passengers and crew of Flight 143. Robert Pearson was an accomplished recreational flyer in sailplanes, or gliders. This side slip wasn't foreign to him, though doing it with a crippled Boeing 767 was never part of any plan.

Once the correction in height and speed was deemed done, the precious seconds ticking away, the enormous airplane had to be wrestled back into an appropriate orientation to land. The side slip maneuver had reduced airflow to the RAT, so Pilot Pearson had an enormous physical challenge simply to reorient the craft. Further, by changing the plane's attitude, Pearson had been unable to see the landing strip--and the guardrail that bisected the runway he was about to attempt to use.

The people on the ground, the Winnipeg racers and their families having their day of fun, heard nothing, no whining roar of jet engines to warn them that there was an airplane falling out of the sky into their picnic.

Pearson righted the plane at the last second. As it touched down, the pilot locked up the brakes. The explosion of the landing gear tires as they blew was like a cannon announcing the danger to the race crowd at the other end of Runway 32L, a mile straight ahead of the two and a half million pound machine that had come from nowhere and was headed right at them.

The partyers on the ground ran for their lives as they realized the beast was headed toward them.

The nose of the plane slammed to the ground, sending a 300 foot tail of sparks behind the plane. Pearson saw the guard rail and steered with the brakes to straddle the rail between the locked in rear landing gear. The right engine nacelle hit the ground as the plane charged ahead. The mile interval of landing strip raced past in seconds.

Less that a hundred feet from the people and their toys and their campers, silence, as Flight 143 came to a halt. The cheers from the passengers were short as small fires broke out on board, and the car club members, in mortal danger seconds earlier, came running with their fire extinguishers to help.

There were only minor injuries, those sustained exiting the aircraft via the emergency slides. Damage to the airplane was so small that the craft would be repaired and flown out of Gimli-- just two days after the amazing landing.

Nearly 25 years later, Pilot Robert Pearson and First Officer Maurice Quintal flew that same airplane out of Montreal to its retirement at the Mojave, California airport. They were accompanied by three of the six flight attendants who were on the plane on July 24, 1983 when the incredible landing was accomplished. The photo below is from the good-bye fly-by over Montreal airport.

The Gimli Glider

While looking through the aeronautical information that has caught my attention over the last few days, I found a story about an airplane landing every bit as tense and thrilling as the recent splash landing in the Hudson River. This one happened 25 years ago.

One July 23, 1983, a Boeing 767-200 ran out of fuel 41,000 feet over Alberta province. The airplane had taken off with malfunctioning fuel gauges and the flight crew was aware of the problem. As a work around to the broken fuel gauges problem, the ground crew had dipped the tanks, that is, they put a stick in the tanks to visually read the amount of fuel the airplane was carrying. This was an accepted method of determining the amount of fuel onboard, though it required a second step, a calculation.

In the second step the crew was required to calculate the amount of fuel by applying a factor for the specific gravity of the fuel.

The crew did the calculation several times to be sure there was no error. They made the same mistake each time. Because the crew used the wrong conversion factor, the airplane had about half the fuel required to make its Montreal to Ottawa to Edmonton flight. Eight miles high there are few options. You can't watch the signs for the next gas station. Here is the start of what transpired onboard.

The passengers had just finished dinner when a warning light came on in the cockpit. The flight crew thought that they were dealing with a failed fuel pump in one wing tank when a second warning light came on. The crew immediately made plans to divert to Winnipeg as the left engine flamed out.

Pilots Bob Pearson and Maurice Quintal immediately began making preparations for a one engine landing in Winnepeg. Then another fuel light lit up. Two minutes more, just as preparations for the one engine landing were being completed, the warning system issued a sharp "bong" noise, an indication of the complete and total loss of both engines. The pilots said they had never heard the sound before.

The sound is not in the flight simulator.

After the "bong," things got quiet. Quiet at eight miles up isn't generally good. The fuel tanks were empty and both engines had flamed out.

Tomorrow, we'll continue with the story of the big, heavy jet airplane that had suddenly become a glider, a glider that was descending 2,000 feet per minute.

Adam Idol

The other television competitors have abdicated the 7:00 p.m. Tuesday time slot to American Idol. NCIS, The Biggest Loser and According to Jim, those are the shows that you weren't watching, and HBO ran some movies for the eleventeenth time. American Idol has 7 contestants remaining, and last night they were joined by Quentin Tarentino, the most creative loon in film. In the audience this night were Katie Couric and Syl from Sorpranos, who I only learned at last Super Bowl is in Springsteen's band.

Little Allison, the Wendy Hamburger/Charo girl, sang something, I don't know what, and it wasn't great, but she's always entertaining, visually and vocally.

Following Allison was Adam Lambert singing Born to Be Wild. The song was first recorded 40 years ago. It's a musical icon. It's a song that was done about perfectly the first time, in 1968, by Steppenwolf. This guy Lambert absolutely lit the place on fire with it, overdid it, overacted, overscreamed the ending, and still gave a fanstastic performance, leaving everybody smiling. Give Adam the big trophy right now. Nobody else in the 7 is in his league. Allison Wendy Charo will probably finish second, and she won't be anywhere near Adam Lambert. My investment consortium has wagered on him at 3:2, and that is money in the bank.

Matt, the guy from Michigan who wears that goddamned hat all the time, sang Bryan Adams' next. He played nice piano. Matt in the Hat performed like a Bryan Adams tribute act. At this juncture, Matt is there just to keep the others company. I would enjoy him performing in a bar or a Vegas lounge, but he's not gonna be your next American Idol.

Matt isn't leaving 'till Anoop is gone, though. I'm writing this as I watch the show last night, and I've already forgotten that Slumdog sang second. It was pleasant, his performance, whatever it was that he sang, and as I have just proved, it was eminently forgetable. Bye, Snoopy, nice seeing you and enjoy the summer tour, 'cause you're voted of the island tonight, unless Matt the Hat is where it's at.

Chickflick Danny sang next. I think I would like Chickflick Danny if I knew him. Watching him perform, on the other hand, makes my colon hurt.

Chris is performing next. Excuse me, his name is Kris. Kris Allen. Do you think they could kick three or four of these guys off and have Adam Lambert compete against himself? You could vote for Adam One or Adam Two or Three. Kris sucked, the song sucked, and when he contorted his face in a shot at an emotional ending, my colon and I felt a twang of reminiscense for Chickflick Danny. Break time!

Lowes is the big sponsor tonight (along with Ford, all the time Ford). Next comes the Lowes commercial that has millions of flowers marching through the parking lot and down the street. Tell the truth, don't those commercials make you uncomfortable, like it's a scene from an alien movie where the plantlife takes over the world? Quentin Tarrantino could make that movie.

Last singer, Lil Rounds, performing The Rose. Sucked, again. Lil sang the song as screwed up and confused as I have ever heard it sung, throwing out melody in favor of trills and runs, and it was disastrous. She can only sing one style, and it hasn't been happening for weeks. Paula offered some incomprehensible bit of observation, Simon slammed the performance, the audience booed Simon, it was like a little slice of WWF. Lil fought back, arguing that she tarted up the song with R&B and gospel, that she was an artist. All things considered, the performance sucked.

Show's over, just a couple of minutes late. I wish we had got on Lambert before the odds on him went down to +150 ( 3:2 ), but that's a lot better price than today, when he was -235. Chickflick Danny is +280, followed by Allison at +1,000.

I think we should get a price on a match-up between Danny and Allison. Please, Margaret, inform my broker. There is more money to be made on American Idol.

309 AMARG

The cryptic at the top of the posting means the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group . Immediately after World War II, the Army established a storage facility for B-29 and C-47 aircraft at Davis-Monthan AFB. Today, this facility is 309 AMARG, which has grown to include more than 4,400 aircraft and 13 aerospace vehicles from the Air Force, Navy-Marine Corps, Army, Coast Guard, and several federal agencies including NASA.

With an original purchase price of more than $35 billion, this fleet provides a unique inventory from which military units throughout the world may withdraw parts and aircraft. It's also a flying used car lot for US allies.

The chief reasons for selecting Davis-Monthan as the site for this storage center were Tucson's meager rainfall, low humidity, and alkaline soil. These conditions make it possible to store aircraft indefinitely with a minimum of deterioration and corrosion. In addition, the soil is hard, making it possible to park aircraft in the desert without constructing concrete or steel parking ramps.

In 1964 the Secretary of Defense directed the consolidation of all military aircraft storage and disposition centers into a single entity located at Davis-Monthan. In 1985, the addition of Titan II missiles and the Center's growing capability for restoring aircraft to flying status, prompted a name change to the Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Center or AMARC.

In May, 2007, AMARC aligned under the 309th Maintenance Wing at Hill AFB, Utah and became the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group (309 AMARG). Today the Group provides customer services including restoring aircraft to flying status, maintenance, and parts reclamation, in addition to its historic storage and disposal functions.

Rather than present a list, I've clipped photos of some of the sights at Davis-Monthan. Click on any of the photos to get larger versions. Big, weird, cool stuff, yes?

Just Another Reason...

This story is pirated from the Sun Times News Group. For the record, I was not involved, and reports of a shootout between the Chicago Police Department and the deceased victim are unsubstantiated, though stranger things have happened:

April 13, 2009
FROM STNG WIRE REPORTS
A dead goat was found hanging on a statute of Harry Caray outside Wrigley Field early Monday on the North Side. A similar incident occurred in 2007, police said.
About 2:40 a.m., police responded to a 911 call indicating a dead goat was hanging from a rope on the statue of Harry Caray outside Wrigley Field at the intersection of Clark and Addison streets, according to Town Hall District police.
The goat was hanging on one of Caray’s outstretched arms, according to police, who took the goat down and disposed of the remains. It was not known how the goat died and nothing was damaged, according to police.
There is not a "no trespassing" sign and a surveillance camera located nearby is not set on the statue, according to police, who said a similar incident also occurred in 2007, when a butchered goat was found hanging from the statue. No one was arrested in Monday's incident.

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It had not previously occurred to me...that the goat might have committed suicide.

Seals 3, Pirates 0

Let's say you have no context for the question that I am about to pose. Let's say I just walked up to you and asked you to answer this question.

If you had to choose someone, anyone, who would you really, really not want to mess with?

Just a shot in the dark here, but if you were to randomly select and respond "Navy Seal Sharpshooter" it would not be a surprising respone.

So how do you think the Somali pirate (Come visit Somalia: Government-free since 1991!) who was aboard the USS Bainbridge acting as the negotiator for himself and the three being towed in the lifeboat felt when the U.S. Navy "negotiator" informed him that discussions had ended?

"Excuse me, crapwad, but it is my pleasure to inform you on behalf of the United States Navy that we are now prepared to offer you the opportunity to kiss our asses as we escort you to one of the jails in which you will spend the rest of your miserable existence ."

"No, no, back off, Imperialist pig. My pirate homeys will kill the American hostage if you do not give us two million U.S. dollars, safe passage to beautiful Somalia, and a paid subscription to DirectTV, including premium channels. Pirates watch ESPN when we are not protecting our territorial waters of beautiful Somalia. All of us pirates had our own NCAA pool, too, did you know that, Implerialist pig? The winner of the pool got a French yacht. Now, bring me another Diet Coke, Implerialist pig. You have angered me, so I demand you throw a cold 12 pack of Diet Coke in with the ransom. No! Make it...Mountain Dew ."

"Yeah, chum bucket, about that ransom thing, it's like this: Your homeys have just had their skulls aerated by Navy Seal Sharpshooters, and the guy who was your hostage is just another pissed-off American now."

"So...no DirectTV? No HBO?

"No Mountain Dew?"

Anchors aweigh.

Friday Photos

The first Friday photo features the pirates of Somalia, who have finally poked their pirate stick into the wrong sleeping critter, cruising along in their little Somalian pirate boat.

The second picture shows the boat that belongs to the critter that got poked, the critter being the USA and the boat being a U.S. Navy warship that's gone out to deal with the pirates. Granted, the pirates have some nasty toys, so the Navy is going to want to be careful. On the other hand, you gotta think the pirates are way out over the tips of their skis this time.
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The pirates are bringing reinforcements, this as of Friday morning!
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The captain tried to escape and was recaptured, this as of Friday afternoon.
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Pirates not your thing? Here's a Good Friday cartoon.

Just Say No

Dear President Obama,

I would like to start this letter out by saying I would be psyched to hear you speak at any event. If that event were my commencement (unfortunately, I'm not graduating from anywhere this year) or a ceremonial reading of the dictionary, I would attend with great excitement.

As you know you have been invited to speak at many commencement ceremonies, and you have chosen three schools: Notre Dame, ASU, and the Naval Academy. The Midshipmen have responded graciously to your acceptance of their invitation, but then again, I guess they kind of have to. They do work for you, after all.

The rosary clutching masses have rebuked Notre Dame and the university president, for even having invited you in the first place. Ugh, that must leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Maybe you should rescind your acceptance. That would teach 'em, eh?

Now, ASU is refusing to give you an honorary degree. (Even Notre Dame is willing to bestow that honor upon you, even if when you turn over the diploma it comes stamped with protest pictures of aborted fetuses and a prayer for your eternal salvation.) They say your body of work is not such that it deserves an honorary degree. Ouch. That's gotta sting. I would think that being the President of the US merits an honorary degree on its own, even just being a regular old run-of-the-mill President. But the first African American President? Man, that didn't even cut it for them.

So I think you should just say no to ASU, too. Instead, I would like to invite you over to my apartment on either of those two days in May. I'm free both, so whatever works for you. Please bring Michelle, the girls, and your dog, if you have one at that point. I will not protest your arrival, and I will give you an honorary degree from a university I make up. I will print it out at work so that I can use the color printer. It will have several gold stars on it. I will use a color palette that complements the Oval Office so you can put it right there on your desk. It will also come with a "World's Best President" mug.

So, I hope to see you soon, Mr. President.

Sincerely,
Amy

P.S. If you'd prefer I confer the honorary degree upon you at your place, I can swing that too. I've got a free Southwest flight and they fly into Dulles.

Airplane Graveyard

I found a story, not a unique story, but one that is revised and updated periodically, about surplus airplanes and a facility in Marana, Arizona, northwest of Tucson, that is a storage yard and recycling point for commercial planes. The story recounted that the operators of the business stressed that they are not an airplane graveyard, that they are a responsible for maintaining surplus aircraft in operating condition until they are returned to service.

So I decided to go off in search of an airplane graveyard.

Here's a link http://www.satellite-sightseer.com/id/1426 to an aerial view of Davis Monthan Air Force Base, Tucson, Arizona. Davis Monthan is sort of a graveyard for airplanes that are U.S. Government property. The images at the link will give some incredible detail to the photo at the right. Take a few minutes to zoom in and out, and grab the page surface to move the vantage point. I found the images amazing.

Davis Monthan is the home to, among many other units, 309 AMARG, the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group, the people that are in charge of these surplus aircraft.. More about them on Monday. I'll also share an incredible airplane story I found that challenges the recent Hudson River landing.

The New Sweet Sioux

Remember last fall's football game between Northwestern and Illinois was the last go 'round for the Sweet Sioux trophy. The two schools decided to duck any more flack from people who found the trophy objectionable or insensitive or had nothing better to do than bitch and retired the tomahawk that has been the prize for the annual game since the 40's.

There are four choices for replacements for the Sweet Sioux tomahawk. The schools expect to announce the new trophy around each of their spring football games on April 25.

The four suggestions for the new series trophy include the following:
• The Land of Lincoln Trophy ­- A replica of Lincoln's stove pipe hat mounted on a piece of White Oak (Illinois' state tree).
• President's Trophy ­- Recognizing the four presidents associated with the state of Illinois ­ Lincoln, Grant, Reagan and Obama.
• The Popcorn Bowl -- Named after the Illinois state snack.
• Graham-Grange Fire Bell (original series trophy started in 1941 was a fire bell) -- Named after two of the greatest players at each school ­- Otto Graham of Northwestern and Red Grange of Illinois.

The Presidents Trophy, I'm OK with that. It's a bit of a stretch, but's it's ok.

The Land of Lincoln thing, that sounds totally lame, a giant license plate, maybe?

The Popcorn Bowl is of too little relevance to merit further comment.

That leaves us with the Graham-Grange Trophy. I can pirate a big chunk of information or redirect you to http://hailtopurple.com/grahamgrange.html Hail to Purple has done a great job showcasing this as the most desirable choice.

You can vote for one of these four choices by clicking here.

You can also nominate your own. This has possibilities. Let me know what you come up with.

******************

American Idol

American Idol has proven me wrong for years. I keep on cranking about it, but I end up sitting next to Mrs. PFOS and watching some of the shows. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to go do something else, but other times it's pretty entertaining. As for American Idol's commercial success, Kelly MyLifeWouldSuckWithoutYou, and Carrie Underwood, stunning to see and hear and the youngest performer ever invited to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry, are proof enough that they find performers with this show.

This year's crop is pretty talented, though there are some unusual participants.

As I'm writing this last Tuesday, I've so far seen Snoopy the American Slum Dog and Megan Joy. Snoopy --ok, I'm insensitve, his name is Anoop --seems to have ridden the Slumdog popularity to get this far. I'm not saying that he's not good, I think he is, but in the past there hasn't been a lot of buzz or tolerance for singers of Indian ethnic origin. I thought he was OK tonite, but the Gang of Four drilled him.

Now this Megan Joy girl, she's amazing. She displays the body rhythms of dancing Elaine Bennis and, prior to tonite, Holiday Inn Lounge singing ability. Tonite she sang a Bob Marley song and I liked it. The G4 absolutely assaulted her; I thought she would break down in tears.

Third up was Danny, the guy whose wife died. Every time I've seen him, and there haven't been many, he seems to be talking about his emotions, their emotions, old emotions, new emotions, gak, he's like a singing chick flick.

Fourth singer was Allison, who is 16 years old and is going to be a big star. She looks like a combination of Charo and Wendy the Hamburger Girl. She's a prodigy and she's gonna make piles of cash.

A word about the Gang of 4, the judges, here. Paula is more bizarre than ever, like somebody's weird aunt who's always trying to show how hip she is. Simon is funnier than ever. Randy is pretty irrelevant, and Kara is getting bored, although I'm sure she's pulling down enough cash with this gig to assuage the tedium.

The blind piano player guy is singing now. I like this guy. He sings great, and he is a pro level piano player. A bit more of my insensitivity, for a blind guy he handles himself on stage with great physical grace.

Next up, some guy named Matt proving he's not Cold Play. G4 ain't buying, either. Following is Lil with the big voice singing a Celine song. She sucks and G4 makes a lot of excuses for her, just like they did the last time I saw her. Except Simon, who says she screwed up. Lil's kids are in the audience, and the whole show is taking a weird, uncomfortable turn.

Adam Lambert is next and he is doing the best "Play That Funky Music White Boy" I have ever seen. Each of his performances that I have seen has screamed star quality. I would bet on this guy.

My investment partner informed me that there are Vegas odds on this show, seriously. Adam Lambert is even money as of right now. Compare that with Snoopy at 20:1 and Megan at 60:1.

A nice guy named Kris Allen sings next. The G4 likes him a lot, blah blah blah.

We just found a casino that's giving 3:2 for Adam Lambert, and we've found a new reason for American Idol to exist.

In the time since this was written, unusual Amy Joy was voted off the island ( whereupon she started flapping her arms and cawing like a crow, what was that!? ) and there is a new round of sing for your supper coming tonight, and Sparty got steamrolled and I'm not wealthy and basking in the glow of winning. Congratulations to Two Gun Pete, my investment partner, who had NC.

Northwestern Can Become De Facto National Champions and I Can Become Wealthy Beyond My Wildest Dreams

1. Northwestern beat Michigan State back on January 20th. Therefore, if Michigan State wins the tournament, and the 'Cats have already beaten the team that wins the tournament, Northwestern would be ...
2. Here is a portrait of Sparty, the Michigan State mascot, for your ogling enjoyment.
3. Unrelated, but important: it is going to be 79 degrees on Anna Maria Island today, where I wish to be.
4. It is going to be 36 degrees with snow showers at Sox Park today, where I am scheduled to be.(Mother Nature is a White Sox fan, giving the team a welcome home blanket of white, and an extra day of rest. The opener was postponed).
5. I will be in a sky box...with the heat on. (this will have to wait until Tuesday)
6. If Michigan State wins tonight's game, I will have ascended to the pinnacle. I will win the office pool at Mrs. PFOS place of employment, the jackpot of which has surely reached into the millions.
6. On the other hand, should NC win tonight's game, my associate in STP partners will win our office pool.
7. That would mean that I would lose Mrs. PFOS' pool... and the instant wealth and international prestige that accompanies that feat.
8. Quandry alert!!!
9. No.
10. Go MSU!

I Know Nothing

TV Land channel has been showing reruns of Hogan's Heroes, the farce comedy that originally ran from September 1965 thru July of 1971. Hogan's Heroes is fun to watch after all these years (and all the reruns), due mostly to the terrific acting of the two German characters who are the foils, Sgt Schultz and Colonel Klink. My favorite, by far, is Schultz, portrayed masterfully by the late John Banner.

John Banner was born in Vienna, Austria in 1910. Prior to pursuing acting, he was a law student. Being of Jewish descent, Banner was brieftly detained in a prison camp before being expelled from Germany. His family would ultimately perish in an extermination camp.

Banner emigrated to the USA in 1938 and served from 1942 to 1945 in US Army Air Corps.

Between 1940 and 1948,, Banner the actor found work in over 40 feature films, frequently in war movies, usually playing Germans.

By the 1950's, Banner had gained quite a bit of weight, about 100 pounds, and had the look with which we would ultimately become familiar. Over the next 20 years, Banner would make more that 70 TV appearances. The list of show includes an astounding array of shows, many of which will be recognizable only to high mileage folks, e.g.

Sky King
The DuPont Cavalcade of America
The Schlitz Playhouse of Stars
Fireside Theatre
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Hallmark Hall of Fame
Father Knows Best
The Gale Storm Show
Rin Tin Tin
The Walt Disney Show
Perry Mason
77 Sunset Strip
Dobie Gillis
The Donna Reed Show
My Three Sons
The Man from UNCLE
Hazel
Mr. Ed and, believe it or not
The Partridge Family, in 1972

John Banner died in Vienna in 1973 on his 63rd birthday.

World Autism Day

Today is World Autism Day. The facts below were taken from the AACTION website, www.aactionautism.org. (AACTION stands for "Autism Awareness Campaign Through International Organizations Networking.") A friend of mine is very involved in this organization. Take a few minutes to check out their website. Another organization to check out is Autism Speaks, www.autismspeaks.org.

"Autism is a brain development disorder characterized by impairments in social interaction and communication, and restricted and repetitive behavior, all exhibited before a child is three years old.

1 in 150 individuals are diagnosed with autism. It is more common than Down Syndrome or childhood cancer.

There is no known cure for autism. Early intervention can dramatically increase IQ and language ability. Unfortunately, many countries lack the tools and training to identify children with autism. In some cultures there is not even a word for “autism” in their native language.
Despite misinformation around the globe, autism is not caused by bad parenting. Autism is not a mental illness. Children with autism are not unruly kids who choose not to behave. Furthermore, no known psychological factors in the development of the child have been shown to cause autism. It is generally accepted that autism is caused by abnormalities in brain structure or function.
There are millions of people around the world that have autism and are not identified and are not receiving proper medical and/or educational interventions. Sadly, many of these individuals are severely mistreated or outcast from society."

On another note, big news across the pond. The Queen Mum hugged Michelle Obama. Crazy stuff happening these days.

Industrial Espionage

The Valspar Corporation is one of the largest global coatings manufacturers in the world, providing coatings and coating intermediates to a wide variety of customers. Since 1806, Valspar has been dedicated to bringing customers the latest innovations, the finest quality, and the best customer service in the coatings industry.

The paragraph above is from the website of the Valspar Corporation. You know their products and you've probably used them, like spray paint, for example. Valspar is in the news because they, like a lot of the companies operating in the USA, are under attack. In this case, a literal attack, by an industrial spy.

David Yen Lee, 52 years old, of Arlington Heights, Ill., worked as technical director of new products for the company's architectural group in Wheeling, Ill. He quit his job at Valspar on March 16, according to an FBI statement, two weeks after returning from a business trip to China.

Mr. Lee is a naturalized American citizen.

When the Valspar people examined Mr. Lee's Blackberry and laptop, items that he had turned in when he resigned with immediate effect, they found a data copying program, they found that his files had been purged, and they found evidence that propriety formulary information had been downloaded.

Mr. Lee's LinkedIn page proclaimed that he had taken a job with a major Chinese paint and coatings manufacturer.

Authorities found that Mr. Lee had purchased a one way ticket to Shanghai. They found his packed travel bag, and in it was a little computer memory drive, loaded up with Valspar data.

The maximum penalty for the crime of which Mr. Lee has been accused is 25 years in prison.

If Mr. Lee is found guilty, I hope he gets a long prison sentence here in his adopted country.

April Fool

April Fool!




How many times have you heard that? How many times have you wondered where it came from? Even so, would you please keep reading?

Way back when, the new year began around April 1, as it was related to the vernal equinox. In 1582, Pope Gregory ordered up a new calendar -- called, not so coincidentally, the Gregorian calendar. Spooky, like Lou Gehrig catching Lou Gehrig's Disease.


The new calendar moved the beginning of the year to January 1. As there was no CNN back in 1582, and the newspapers that are now failing had not yet been invented, a lot of people didn't hear about Greg's New Year, and some of those who did hear about it declined to adopt it. The early adopters of the new New Year made fun of those who didn't know or refused to switch, and the non-compliant were referred to as April fools.

Another version of the origin of April Fool is that back in BC May 1 was the day for planting crops, and people who jumped the gun were referred to as April Fools.

Yet another explanation is a reference in The Canterbury Tales to the actions of fools on the date March 32nd. Comedy Channel hadn't been invented yet, either.

There's a history of pretty good April 1 pranks, including:

Burger King advertising left handed Whoppers
Taco Bell purchasing the Liberty Bell : the Taco Liberty Bell
Lincoln Mercury buying the Lincoln monument : the Lincoln Mercury monument
The invention of spaghetti trees
Countries shifting to metric time
The discovery of Sidd Finch, the baseball pitcher with a 168 mph fastball

None of that stuff was all that funny or clever, but it was better than what's going on today. There's supposed to be some nasty computer virus that busts loose this year on April 1.

Bet Greg never saw that one coming.

Quality Cars?

Here's the latest JD Power dependability rankings for auto brands. I've presented it upside down, so it goes from worst to first. If I had the time, I'd create an index of dependability compared to average sales price, and this would change the list a lot.


Suzuki came in last- new slogan : "King of the Crap Wagons"
Volkswagen - next to last, and they dumped spokesmodel Brooke Shields!
Land Rover - haha, look how much you paid!


Isuzu - whatever happened to Joe Isuzu?
SAAB - test drove one, once. The console fell apart when I opened it. Sob...

Scion - kiddie cars

HUMMER - look like enormous gym lockers on wheels, but at least it's not a Land Rover

Pontiac - strong performer -- in the 60's
Kia - the auto division of Chia Pets
Saturn - nice cars that will be extinct in two years

MINI- a little for a lot
Dodge - Al Bundy drove a Dodge. So did my dad, and Richard Petty.
Nissan - pretty average cars. We've owned three.

Volvo - boring as a drive across Kansas. The Chinese may buy the company.

Chevrolet - ain't that America! Had a couple over the years.

Mitsubishi - no one actually buys these. No one.
Mercedes-Benz - less dependable than Chrysler, whom they divorced.

GMC - tarted-up Chevys, so why are they better?
BMW - beat Mercedes, lost to Hyundai. Ha-ha.
Chrysler - believe it...or not. I had two, so "not"

Subaru - OK, sure, why not?
Hyundai - they have come a long way.
Audi - VW's big expensive brother. Remember VW, next to last?

Ford - the healthiest US auto maker
Porsche - lotsa cash for the cache
Cadillac - great cars and Kate Walsh commercials

Honda - we love our Honda.
Lincoln - we like our Lincoln. A lot.
Acura - Honda with more frosting.

Infiniti - don't like 'em. Never have.
Mercury - had one. Surprisingly excellent car. Shitty marketing department.
Toyota - automotive appliances, but who can argue?
Lexus - the benchmark has been bested.

and in a tie for best...

Buick - I am impressed but I'm still not buying one. They dumped Tiger Woods, too.
Jaguar - This is now Tata Motors of India, by the way, and by the way of FoMoCo. They sell so few of these, each one should be perfect.

Newsreels

Today, a toy for you to play with at your leisure. It is the Universal Newsreel channel on YouTube.

For those of you under the age of ancient, newsreels were part of the cinema experience, whereby folks in the pre-TV age got their news visuals along with their entertainment at the movie theatre.

Very fun history lessons here!

http://www.youtube.com/user/UniversalNewsreels

******************

Different topic: Rick Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors, is "stepping down at the request of the White House". The boss of GM got canned by the President, the end of a 30+ year career that saw GM slide nearly out of existence.

The New Propaganda

I know that it is rather off-putting when, in the opening of an essay, the author begins at screaming level, with the emotional volume already on "10". I usually don't want to read on when that occurs, as the thought process tends to degenerate quickly.

In order to avoid that, I will say, as simply and as dispassionately as I can, that bankers and their political lap dogs have coined a new batch of phrases and terms that are designed to take your money and make it their money.

Barack's New Deal is quickly being wrapped in Bankers' New Bullshit.

The first term that I will present for your inspection is "toxic assets".

It is not unlike the old George Carlin "flammable/inflammable" routine. One is simply never certain what it means, so the usual decision is to let someone else handle it. Toxins are bad, so they must go, of course. The banks have "toxic assets" on their books, and for the banks to be healthy and for all of us to be happy and prosperous again the banks need to purge those toxins from their books. Mind you, these toxins are disguised as ASSETS, so we may infer that they are wily by nature, and the poor banks need assistance with this process, lest they be POISONED BY THE TOXIC ASSETS!!! SOUND THE ALARM, TO ARMS, CITIZENS, TO ARMS!!!

Slow down, Jasper, it's getting fragrant already.

Allow me to peel the layers of this particular onion. What is actually happening is that the bankers and the investors in the banks, some of whom include the bankers themselves by way of stock options, have screwed up to a fantabulous degree. They have pissed right thru the federal diaper that you and your kids and your kids' kids will pay for, for years and years and years to come. The bankers have made bad loans, ridiculously bad loans in many cases, and they want you to give them money to make the boo-boos better. You, taxpayer, give them more money, and at a time when they, the banks, have the whole goddammed country financially constipated because they aren't lending to anyone.

A little closer attention here to the term "toxic asset". This is so absurd that it would be cool, in a way, and if we didn't have to pay for it. It is elegant in its simplicity, as are many great swindles. Go back to junior high math to understand: a negative ("toxic") times a positive ("asset") is a negative. Unfortunately for the bankers/hucksters, bullshit is not arithmetic.

That allows us to consider the second popular term of the day "private participation will be required".

Bite me, banker boys.

In my business, when we screw up, we fix the screw up--at our cost. Screw up too many times and someone takes your place. It's basic Darwinism.

Our governmental units have become accustomed to "private participation" by raising taxes to cover their screw-ups: doing crappy stadium deals, financing ridiculous bad investments with public money, running inefficient governmental services, creating programs that bleed money endlessly instead of attempting to create solutions.

So beware, folks, when the new stewards of bullshit, the bankers, begin to inform us that "private participation will be required", what the are saying is that their political buddies are coming for your wallet, to make some more of your money their money.

That is where we began this quiet rant, so it would appear that we have come full circle.

That is all.

My New Favorite Commercial

I'm lovin' it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD64OhbG4ps&feature=related

Scandal Over Du Lac

(My co-pilot and daughter is at the controls today; buckle up!)

On Friday, my beloved Alma Mater Notre Dame (whose full name is "University of Notre Dame du Lac," in case you are wondering about the post's title) announced the identity of the 2009 commencement speaker. How cool. Barack Obama is coming to South Bend, IN -- the armpit of the United States -- to speak at Notre Dame's graduation ceremony.


I started the following Monday morning by reading the letters to the editor of the ND student newspaper, The Observer. The letters were overall very enthusiastic, but in the worst way. It seems that students and alumni are getting their knickers in a twist over this one. On Monday, I was also sent a link to sign an online petition protesting the selection of Obama as the commencement speaker. As I write this tonight, there are over 100,000 signatures. Needless to say I did not sign it.

One letter to editor stated the following: "Inviting Barack Obama to speak on our campus sends precisely the opposite message. The University administration is tacitly encouraging students to view the president with respect, awe and admiration simply by virtue of his election to political office. And perhaps most importantly, it is turning a blind eye to Obama's support of state-sanctioned killing in the form of federal support for abortion and embryonic stem cell research, to his continuation of the Bush administration's reckless foreign policy of interventionism and its disregard for civil liberties and to his irresponsible and destructive economic policies."

Well, if it is one thing I wish my parents had instilled in me it would be complete disrespect for the office of the President. That's really what I hope kids are learning in college - do not admire or feel awe for the President. He's probably some poor schlub that didn't even try that hard to get where he is. And its not like his job is challenging. Further, the author of this post - who incidentially is the co-President of the College Libertarians club, as if that wasn't enough to discredit him - seems to only have a problem with disregard for certain civil liberties with which he disagrees. I don't think people should have the civil liberty of cheering for the Chicago Cubs; he doesn't think people should have the civil liberty of having an abortion. We can't all get our way.

Another post, this one from an alum from the class of '88: "I will be in attendance on commencement day with several thousand others to show my distaste for this decision. We will bring with us the graphic photos of what abortion does to its victims so there can be no doubt about the hatefulness of the man chosen to instruct Notre Dame graduates in how to be a success in life. I would suggest that if the administration does not want to suffer the embarrasment of pictures of dismembered children lining Notre Dame Ave. on what should be the happiest day of our newest graduates' lives, they withdraw this invitation immediately."

Whoa whoa whoa, crazy! Pictures of dismembered babies? That's not so much appropriate, eh? Obama's not coming to extoll the virtues of abortion; in fact, I'm pretty sure the subject won't be on the agenda. I'm sure he'll be way too busy talking about things like serving your community, reaching for the stars, dreaming big, etc., to even be able to broach the subject. Jeez, dude, way to ruin the day for all the parents who want to take pictures with their hungover graduates and their siblings, grandparents, nieces, nephews, etc. The dead babies in the background will look great on the mantle. Psycho. Oh and one more thing, buddy, I'm pretty sure it's not the best etiquette to rescind an invitation to the President of the United States.

Bishop John D'Arcy, whose diocese encompasses Notre Dame, and who has vowed to boycott the graduation ceremony (what a loss!) said the following of Obama's decision to federally fund embryonic stem cell research: "While claiming to separate politics from science, he has in fact separated science from ethics and has brought the American government, for the first time in history, into supporting direct destruction of innocent human life."

Um, the first time in history? The first time? Bishop, I know the New Testament cuts out before the last two millenia, but come on. Obama's decision wasn't even the first time the American government supported direct destruction of human life that week. There are two wars going on, remember?

There are more zealots I could quote, but I'll refrain, because they are all saying the same thing, and quite frankly, it is embarassing. It is people like these that made me less of a Catholic upon my graduation from a Catholic university that I was when I enrolled because I fundamentally disagree with almost everything they believe. My response to everyone disgusted by the selection of Obama as the commencement speaker is this: Are you aware that he is the President of the United States? And are you aware that he's pretty busy back in Washington dealing with wars and a busted economy, and has no ties to Notre Dame whatsoever, and is still coming to campus to address the '09 graduates? Some say that he accepted Notre Dame's offer so he can influence the Catholic community...I say who cares why he accepted. In my view, whatever your beliefs, however you vote, the bottom line is the President is coming to Notre Dame and that is pretty effing sweet.

To conclude, to those who can't get over a couple tenets of Obama's platform, go ahead and sign the petition at notredamescandal.com or come out on graduation day, protest the speech, and litter campus with pictures entirely inappropriate for graduation day. Further, I invite any '09 graduate who is disgusted with his/her commencement speaker, or whose family is disgusted, to give their spare graduation ticket to me. If you can't see how awesome it is to have Obama - who is not even speaking at his own alma mater's commencement - speak on graduation, I certainly can.

Public Enemy

This is too goofy to make up.

Did you know that there's a John Dillinger Museum? I didn't. Did you know it's in Indiana? I didn't. Did you know it's closer than the casinos? Almost certainly not.

There's a John Dillinger Museum in Hammond, just off I-80 at Kennedy Avenue, in the Indiana Welcome Center. Now, I didn't know Indiana had a welcome center, and I didn't know it was still the municipality of Hammond over there.

Either or both: most people don't know about the Dillinger museum -0r- most people dont' care -or- both. According to a NY Times story, the South Shore Convention and Visitors Authority (ANOTHER thing we now know exists, how 'bout that? or it might be the Lake County Convention and Visitors Bureau, they get credit for owning the museum, in case anyone really cares) bought this Dillinger collection for about $400K from some guy's estate over by there in Crown Point, spent $600,000 more to turn the old museum into a new museum and VOILA! they grossed $10,000 from admission fees last year, when they were open.

That was $10,000 before operating costs. Aggressive local government in action. Spend a million to bring in almost nothing. Pret-ty shrewd investment spending.

That phrase back there "last year, when they were open" is an eyebrow raiser. There's some distant relative of the late bank robber who has taken the mission of protecting the Dillinger name. Yes, ladies and germs, protecting the Dillinger name...and licensing it and presumably making a scheckel or two for his noble efforts. Noble efforts, as they are the result of a promise he says that he made to his grandmother, who was a half sister to Dillinger.

So this chap saw the museum, saw his dear distant and long departed relative being villified as having murdered an Indiana police officer back in 1934, a crime of which Mr. Dillinger was never convicted, Mr. Dillinger having been highly shot to an extremely dead condition outside the Biograph Theatre in Chicago before there was an opportunity to migrate the accusation from "alleged" to "hell, yeah", and back to the relative, he presumably being outraged at having great-half-uncle Johnny D inaccurately portrayed --and with the ongoing mission to be true to his promise to his granny-- cranked out a lawsuit.

The result? The museum, a rollicking enterprise that brought in ten grand in admissions revenue for an entire year, settled with this chap for -get this- $375,000 PLUS $1,500 A MONTH until the year 2034, at which time great-half-uncle Johnny's image is no longer protected by law, and therefore of much less value, or harder to protect, depending on which side of the money you're on.

By the way, the South Shore Convention and Visitors Authority is funded by a tax on the casinos.

So if we follow the thread, beginning years back,

• the casinos took a bunch of corrupt land,
• invested a ton of dough in order open their monuments to sin (yes, I have sinned...and we made $400 last time we went sinning over there),
• they get highly taxed (why not?),
• a part of the tax revenue (in this case a million bucks) goes to this local visitors bureau that puts up a museum that nobody goes to,
• that gets sued and pays out $375,000 and $1,500 per month for the next 25 years (that's about $450,000 and I'm not interested enough to figure out the present value) to this promise keeper guy.
  

The museum website is http://www.dillingermuseum.com/info.html

Better than the new museum website, look at this old description of the original museum from Roadside America, a fine publication that keeps track of stuff like "World's Largest Ball of Twine" and stuff like that http://www.roadsideamerica.com/news/15291

By the way, if you use the Skyway to go sinning, you won't be anywhere near the Museum That Is At Least A Million And A Half in The Hole, aka The John Dillinger Museum, Hammond, Indiana, USA.

You pick who the real criminal is.

Live from Wisteria Lane

Alright, alright, I'm outed, I watch this crap, Desperate Housewives. This one I'm writing as I'm watching.

Purely in respect of the impending deceasement, I have found an Edie car wash photo. In respect of the situation, you see, and for no other reason. Back at the Lane, the girls are rockin' tonite, but when will Dave shoot Edie?

Bree is all set to sell Chil Bitch Enterprises to save her marriage to the unlikeable fop, Orson. She looks over the Bree Van de Kamp wall of fame (verrrry remininiscent of the Gaylord Fokker wall of mediocre fame, except with success instead of old jock straps) when whe's overcome with passion...for her business. Take that, Orson, you thieving stroke, and get a normal haircut while you're at it! Once again, when will Dave shoot Edie?

Gabby lusts for Carlos, and insists on service now, thank you. Carlos responds with a little bondage quickie set up, then leaves Gabby tied to the bed and heads back to work. Very worker-guy-ish and responsible, and yeah, yeah, we're all impressed that you left the tart unsullied, Carlos, but when, oh when will Dave shoot Edie?

Mike and China Beach woman go camping with Dave, and Dave takes his hunting rifle with the scope and tries to shoot China Beach woman and he misses 'cause Edie has phoned him at the very instant that he attempted to consumate the murderation! DAVE, WHAT ABOUT EDIE? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT EDIE? YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA SHOOT HER!? YEAH, HE'S RACING HOME TO SHOOT HER!

Lynette strikes back at the tyrannical Monster Marketing Woman at Carlos' business by letting MMW humiliate herself by berating the cleaning lady and Carlos' kids, blah-blah-blah NO SHOOTING EDIE??? GODDANGIT, LET'S GET SHOOTING HERE ALREADY!!!

Dave comes home and Edie's liquored up and she has figured it all out. There's actual acting going on, did someone change channels? Edie is throwing verbal haymakers; now she calls Dave a freak and keeps on blazing away. Dave's pissed, is he gonna shoot her -- NO!!! He's grabbed her around the neck, one hand, now two, and he's choking her to death, and her eyes bug out and she slides backward and out of his grasp and-- she's not dead. So he's gonna shoot her now? NO! She splits, and jumps in the car and you know the rest.

The teaser for next week shows Edie isn't dead yet.

And don't trust that lying S.O.B. Dave. He SAID he was gonna shoot Edie.

Dang.

First Day of Spring

Today is the first day of spring, hoo-rah, except in Australia, where it is the first day of autumn. In keeping with the world wide economic crapfest, Australia is on sale. You can enjoy something called a "One Week Walkabout" for $299. You need to get there yourself, so add airfare or kayak cost or however you plan to travel.

$299 will just about cover one day in the Dells, by the way.

Here's the Australia site, we'll look at the legend of the Dells later.

http://www.australia.com/promotions/oneweekwalkabout_us.aspx?ta_cid=redirect:us:oneweekwalkabout

Bye, Edie

Wisteria Lane, that kooky little strip of TV America, is planning to say bon soir to the tartalicious Edie Brit. According to no less an authority than her killer-to-be, her Wisteria Lane husband, Dave Williams, Edie gonna get whacked in the woods on Sunday night.

I found Edie to be the least compelling character at the outset. As the series has meandered on and reinvented itself and removed characters and introduced characters and fast forwarded five years and --pause for breath here (and reflect on how goofy this show has become)--I've become an Edie fan.

Brie is controlling and emasculating. Gabby is self centered and demanding. Susan is an idiot. Lynette is ok. The old China Beach woman, whatever her name is, she's ok, too. But Edie, Edie is pure.

Pure self indulgent trampy be-otch. The same thing she has been since the beginning.

So we bid Edie adieu, and with great amazement. I am amazed--and a little bit ashamed-- that I remembered all those characters' names.