Unless you've been asleep for the last two weeks, you've probably noticed that Ann Coulter has been on a whirlwind publicity tour that rivals the comeback effort of Britney Spears. I was late to work last Wednesday because I couldn't get in the shower until Ms. Coulter's interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show ended. If you didn't catch it, Matt Lauer guaranteed his admission into heaven for making it through the interview without clocking Ann right in her skinny horseface. Matt Lauer was more patient than a pre-school teacher as he tried to coax Ann into rationally defending her position, only to be rewarded with her snide remarks and ridiculous generalizations that really had nothing to do with anything. For instance, she defended the fact that in her new book, Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America, she only refers to Barack Obama as "B. Hussein Obama" by stating over and over that Barack Obama has stated that he likes his middle name. Come on Ann, its pretty apparent that you aren't calling him B. Hussein Obama because you hope to lauch the name "Hussein" into the 2009 Top 10 Baby Names List (Emma and Aiden were the top names for 2008. Hussein, surprisingly, didn't make the cut). My showerhead got an earfull as I responded to each of Ann Coulter's statements one by one. I'd like to think that I only attacked Ann Coulter's offensively conservative beliefs, but I am, after all, female, so I couldn't help but throw out some insults about her orange tan, fake blonde hair, and pretty apparent eating disorder. Granted, no one heard me, but I felt better after I picked apart everything Ann said point-by-point, and I reminded myself (outloud) that Coulter is a woman who would probably throw her full weight behind Palin 2012, and let's be serious...seriously?
Soon after my tirade, I came to a harsh realization: the joke is on me. Why? Because I want to buy her book. Incredible. She didn't publish this book for conservatives--she knows the smart conservatives think she's a blowhard publicity whore, and the conservatives who would get all fired up about the President-elect's middle name are likely not the types to go out and purchase Ann's book of misunderstood statistics. She wants me to hate her so much that I can't help but run out and buy her book so I can scream and argue and dissect her beliefs one page at a time. And I'm going to do it...I just don't know how. I really can't march into my neighborhood Borders at the edge of Boystown and slam Ann's shiny hardcover down on the counter because I would get bitch-slapped by either the clerk or his boyfriend before I had the the time to explain how I vote. I can Amazon the book but where am I going to read this once I somehow purloin it? (Purloin: to appropriate wrongfully and often by a breach of trust. I chose this word carefully.) Most of my reading is done in public (the gym, the airport, etc.). I can't possibly be seen reading this in public because it would totally destroy my street cred. But I just can't help it -- I have to know what she says in those pages so I can tell someone - anyone - exactly how wrong Ann Coulter is.
So, if you happen to see someone with her nose buried in Ann Coulter's smut, try not to judge. It might be me, and you won't want to disturb me lest I decide to tell you EXACTLY WHY Ann Coulter is ignorant and judgemental and incorrect about everything and damn it I spent $30 on this book when I already knew that.
2 comments:
Bravo, a tirade of the first order, bravo!
I think that the most aggravating part of dealing with people like Ann Coulter is the realization that their intellect is generally not worth your aggravation but they have been clever enough to seduce you...and you instead of them could have made millions spouting dreck but they figured it out before you.
The photo of Ann Coulter, EG, is creepy. The eyes follow me around the room, as if the image knows that I have liberal thoughts now and then.
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