Wednesday, November 26, 2008

8 Surprising Turn-Ons for Men

This started with Men's Health Magazine. They posted the question and readers responded. Here are the revelations, 8 Surprising Turn-Ons for Men. You are forewarned, they are generally contemptible, and Men's Health may be turning into Cosmo for males.

1. Standing Tall
A woman who stands tall typically a) dresses well, b) exercises often, and c) is confident about her body and what it's good for. And if she's proud of her figure no matter what shape or size, that makes men take notice, as well.
All you hunchback girls better get with the program...or do like that monobrow chick in the Planters Nuts commercial and dab cashews behind your ears. Imagine "Hunchbacks Gone Wild"...no, don't.
2. True Grit
...there's something insanely attractive about women who can bite their lips, buck up, and grit out some of life's twists, turns, sprains, and pains.
This one made me laugh out loud. Sounds like these guys are fixating on the women of ultimate fighting. It could also describe Brie Hodge from Desperate Housewives, who could eviscerate an opponent without interrupting the arrangement of her floral bouquet. While each is admirable, they're neither of them very evocative.
3. Baseball Caps
...we like a baseball cap the most when it's worn by a woman. The look sends all kinds of messages about the kind of woman she is: sporty, strong, comfortable kicking back, Sox fan.
Maybe it says she didn't want to mess with her hair, or she was painting the kitchen. Now that we have a Sox fan headed to the White House, Sox caps are de riguer for the fashionista any place, any time...almost. Whatever works for you. If a guy is attracted to a wpman, she can wear one of those Carmen Miranda fruit baskets on your head and it's not gonna run him off. Conversely, if he's not interested, a baseball cap ain't gonna whisper Jump me, big boy.

4. Software Savvy
There's something sexy about a woman who can click a few buttons and get something working exactly the way she wants it to.
OK, the nerd herd has volunteered its opinion on how to score hotties, and unless you believe the Revenge of the Nerds movies, those boys ain't creating any friction with actual women, so this one is lightly regarded.

5. Sexy Shampoo
...the smell of her freshly washed hair that's nestled up under the chin on a Sunday morning is a reminder of all that's good about relationships.
I don't believe that this was actually written by a guy, at least not by a guy who likes women or is not some Hannibal Lechter loon. Now, if they had something about team showering, there I'd concur, but rooting around and sniffing her head like you're an airport security dog, well that sounds like full perv mode to me, pretty out there.
6. Understated Underwear
Slinky and small lingerie works for anniversaries, birthday surprises, honeymoons, and other seduce-me moments. But the look that makes men feel both comfortable and excited is when she's wearing boxers (waistband rolled) and a thin-as-can-be T-shirt that's neither too tight nor too big. Call it supreme sexiness in the understated. The same effect can be achieved by wearing his old dress shirt and a pair of panties.
I printed this one in its entirety. It's goofier than the head sniffer. Victoria's Secret and Frederick's are not successful because of women who dress for boudoir success like they raided the Amvets donation box. This must have come from some weasel who sits in his parents' basement watching Jennifer Aniston movies in the dark and sucking down Mr. Pibb by the gallon, and whose last conversation with a real girl cost $2.99 a minute. Be careful not to let the air out of your girlfriend, Romeo.
7. Dirt and Sweat
Of course, men like to see their women dolled up for a night out. But many men appreciate the exact opposite: The woman who hikes, bikes, mows the lawn, hacks trees and branches, and otherwise pulls her weight. Seeing the dirt, mud, sweat, and occasional road rash is something that stokes our primal side.
This, too, is printed in its entirety. While I respect anyone who works hard and/or plays hard, your normal men and women have an understanding, one that I believe most people of average or better IQ share: go clean up that stank 'fore you come 'round here. May I reintroduce here that team showering idea? Gawd, these guys are dumb!
8. A Few "Duh" Moments
Men like smart women (see "software savvy," above). But there's a small part of a man's brain that wants her to have an occasional dollop of ditziness. Why? Because if she can show that she may not know everything, it reinforces something deep inside a man that he's needed, that he's trusted, that he can be there to help.
Gag and gag again...while I am fond of teasing my partner when she does goofy things, I do not wish on her "a dollop of dizziness" to enhance my self image. This had to have been submitted by the guy with the blow up girlfriend, as most of the women I know would run screaming from a condescending bunghole with this approach.
Most of the crap that makes up these 8 "surprises" sounds like it was concocted by self pleasuring dreamers who can't get a squeeze without negotiating price in advance. So what's the surprise? That there is no surprise...we males are pigs, we like being so and are highly unresponsive to inducements to change. We have evolved, though...most of us, anyhow.

That is all.

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