Football Picks, Week 4

I'm starting out this week with a record of 10-13. If I were a big league pitcher, a 10-13 record right now would mean that I could shop for a multi-million dollar long term contract for my meager skills. Since I work for a living and this is a hobby, I need to get cookin'. Here goes.
Ohio +11@ Northwestern
Ohio comes to Evanston with an 0-3 record and a highly aggravated state of mind, having lost to Wyoming by a single point, then giving powerhouse Ohio State a run for its money before knuckling under 26-14 and then losing a tough one to Central Michigan, 31-28. My beloved Wildcats are 3-0 and on an upswing, but they haven't really looked like they've put everything together yet. Forgive me, 'Cat Nation, I'm taking the points.
Wyoming @ BYU -28.5
Lots of points to give, but the Mormons beat the daylights out of UCLA last weekend, 59-0. Wyoming hasn't played this caliber of opponent yet. They're going to get clobbered.
Rutgers @ Navy +6
Rutgers, without graduated star running back Ray Rice, has been whupped by Fresno State and double whupped by NC State so far this year. The Middies have beaten cupcake Towson and lost to Ball State and Duke. With the points, it's Navy...and no one ever shed a tear for dear old Rutgers.
Iowa +1 @ Pittsburgh
Dave Wannstedt, the stammering former Chicago Bears coach, leads Pitt, who has lost to Bowling Green and beaten the Buffalo Bulls. The Hawkeyes have rolled over Maine, Florida International and screwed me with the last minute safety en route to a victory over intrastate rival Iowa State. I think Iowa's for real, so they're my pick.
Boise State @ Oregon Ducks -11
Boise State, 2-0, has wins over Idaho State and Bowling Green. The Ducks beat Washington 44-10 in game 1, beat Utah State 66-24 in week 2, and beat Purdue in OT, 32-26. The Ducks also have their #1 and #2 QB's on the injured list. I think that QB3 will have enough resources to cover the points.
Central Michigan @ Purdue -10.5
I was schooled last week by the Boilermakers. They are a good team, they're angry about last week, they're at home and that's enough to cover the points here.
South Florida -28 @ Florida International
The Bulls of South Florida are mui bien. Florida International is mui crappy. The Bulls also have a pretty cool logo on their helmets, though it just doesn't say "Flahriddah" to me. They're gonna kick the snot out of FLint'l, who is, by the way, the Golden Panthers.

Visualization Exercises

There was a short story the other day in the newspaper that made me laugh, and I think it's worth sharing. Gary Coleman, the diminutive former child TV star who has had a rather unspectacular adult life, was the subject. Gary (who is 4'8" according to the chap who looked it up for me) was arrested after he got into an argument at a bowling alley. The topic of the argument wasn't disclosed in what I read, so I'm taking submissions for what you think would have been a likely topic. Anyway, the argument appears to have continued on into the parking lot (bad sign for any argument, going long enough to end up in the parking lot, even worse arguing with a 4'8" guy outside a bowling alley) where Gary got in his car (pause here for visualization #1) and backed over the foot of the other guy.

Now, it's unfortunate enough that the other guy, who wasn't named, but I will call him, um, let's see, let's say "Willis", was incensed enough to keep going at it with Gary, but then to get his foot under Gary's Goodyears, well, that just stinks for him. And probably for Gary. But not for us.

When your day starts to suck, later today or tomorrow, or the next day, go to visualization #2:

Gary Coleman bowling.

You can't help but smile.
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Topic 2 for today comes from Mrs. PFOS. She went to the McDonalds in our town the other day for coffee. The power was out at McD's, so you had to drive up and order at the window.

The real problem was that los empleados, having no pictures of hamburgers or fries or apples pies to push on their cash registers, were having a devil of a time processing orders. They had no idea how much to charge, so they were asking customers how much the items should be.

Then they had to ask how much change to give. Then they had to figure out how to count it.

The rest of the details about who they were/are, I will leave up to you to infer, and to shake your head, and then go back and visualize Gary Coleman bowling.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

The recent actions of the people charged with the care of Chicago's public school students accentuate how dire the situation has become for that system.

First, there is Illinois state senator James Meeks and his traveling medicine show. Senator Reverend Meeks, or Reverend Senator Meeks, or both of him, took a bunch of students up to New Trier High School, supposedly to try to register them in order to draw attention to what RevSen believes is an inadequate funding system for the Chicago Public Schools. Congratulations to the New Trier community that received the uninvited guests without incident. Showboating RevSen Meeks chose to stage his self-serving stunt on the first scheduled day of school for those children who spent their day riding buses and being used as pawns in Meeks' absurd theatrical production. Part of the funding mechanism for the schools is based on days of school attended, so by driving the kids around instead of sending them to school where they belonged Meeks was actually working against his supposed mission of improving the financial support for the schools. This guy is squirrely.

The other grandstand play in the CPS is the announcement of the program by which students are going to get paid for grades. It's like the tooth fairy decided to get involved in the Chicago Public School system. There are qualifying conditions and partially deferred payments and it's tarted up to look like a corporate incentive program, but this pay for grades program is one of the most pathetic schemes that has ever been foisted upon the education system.

Ostensibly, this program has been introduced to encourage and reward students. Practically, the CPS gives the appearanance of having abandoned hope and decided instead to bribe students to do what students are supposed to do. Forget about learning, get kids focused on the grade. Because the payment amounts are based on grades, the pressure to earn grades is very likely to be turned into pressure to give grades, transferring the responsibililty from the student to the teacher.

Imagine the argument when the student finds that he or she has received a "C" instead of a "B". The discussion won't be about GPA, it will be about COD. Seeing Arne Duncan sporting a big foolish grin as he endorsed this program was a fitting punctuation mark.

The annointed "community leader" is driving kids around in buses and stealing their classroom time, while the man running the system is throwing cash at the them.

Johnny still can't read, but he got a nice ride up Lake Shore Drive, and some spending money to boot.

Weekend Football Wrap Up

Oregon Ducks –7 @ Purdue
Ducks didn't cover. I was very surprised by Purdue's team speed and power. Oregon won by 6 in OT, but Purdue is a team to keep an eye on.
"L"
Iowa State @ Iowa –13.5
Iowa 17, Iowa State 5. The Hawkeyes took a god-danged safety with 26 seconds left in the game to provide me with the agony of defeat. I am crushed...
"L"

Central Michigan –3.5 @ Ohio
CMich 31, Ohio 28. That gives me a 1/2 point loser. This stinks, this is total b.s........
"L"

California –14.5 @ Maryland
My prediction was "they’re going to shell Maryland". Instead the hard shell Terrapins beat up the Berkeley boys, winning straight up, 35-27.
"L"

Ohio State @ USC –10.5
Always take the Trojans. USC beat up Ohio State, simply beat them up. Thank heaven, a winner for me!
"W"

Louisiana Lafayette @ Illinois –25
I said the Illini wouldwin by 40. They suck. The Ragin' Cajuns of LA Lafayette nearly caught up to the Flighty Illini, final 20-17. Illinois is schizophrenic, I can't bet on them anymore.
"L"

Penn State –27 @ Syracuse
I said they'd win by 40, Penn State actually won by 42. Hooray for me, I got one right.
"W"

What a train wreck this week was, 2 wins and 5 losses. Let's all go read somebody who knows what the hell they're talking about! I can take no solace that three of the five losers were by an eyelash, a loss is a loss. For the season to date, I'm now three under even, W 10, L 13. Time to get the shovel ready; 'gotta dig my out of this quickly!

Today, A Guest Author for Sarah, Part IV

Football scores will have to wait for tomorrow. I'm pleased and proud to present here the work of one of my favorite writers.

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Here is an open letter about Sarah Palin from your left-leaning daughter. I almost left it at “I don’t think you can trust anyone who attends a church service at which people legitimately think the Holy Spirit overtakes them and causes them to speak in tongues. Haven’t you seen Borat?” but one thing led to another, and I got rather long winded.

5) She resembles a real-life version of Martha Generic, the mom from the cartoon Bobby’s World. If you don’t know what Bobby’s world is, watch this You Tube Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5eDlwcm95I. (She appears approximately 15 or so seconds into the clip.) I realize this is a superficial reason, but after 8 years with a President that possesses communication skills that pale in comparison to Koko, the signing gorilla, a VP that might legitimately yell “Fer cryin’ in the mud, Putin, can’t you just relax over dair in the Caucasus? Dontcha know we can all get along?” genuinely turns my stomach.

4) She praised her daughter’s “decision” to have her baby. Wait just a tic there, Sarah, aren’t you fervently pro-life? What decision are you referring to? If it were up to Palin, the decision would be that of the government. Palin’s stance that sex ed classes in schools should be sacked in favor of abstinence-only teachings seems a little ridiculous when her daughter went out and got knocked up as soon as she was old enough to venture out of the igloo alone. You’d think Palin would have tried out her abstinence-only education at home before preaching it to the masses as a solution for teen pregnancy. Currently the evidence seems to indicate that this method of sex education is entirely ineffective. (And, as a side note, why does John McCain insist that he knew that Bristol was preggers and chose Palin anyway? Come on, he’s a republican for God’s sake, of course he didn’t know! Well, in his defense, he may have known at one time and forgotten…he is 72 years old.)

3) Palin opposes gay rights. So, she essentially thinks that the government should not only be able to tell women what they can do with their bodies, but it can also tell people whether or not they can marry the person they love. Let’s see here. I think one of the principles that lie at the foundation of this country is the separation of church and state. The assertion that marriage is between a man and a woman has its basis in religion, and this belief has woven its way into our laws, which seems a little contradictory. Now, ignoring all I’d like to say about Palin’s Pentecostal past, she has adamantly stated that she won’t let her beliefs affect her policy (wait, didn’t she ask churchgoers to pray for the Alaska pipeline (before she switched her stance on it)?), so her religious beliefs shouldn’t overshadow the fact that opposing gay marriage infringes on the human rights of gays, and as marriage is a legal institution, it really doesn’t matter what the Bible says about it.

Now I realize that this doesn’t directly relate, but I’m talking about marriage here, so I’d like to touch on the future union of Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin. Palin has actually exhibited some consistency in policy here. She contends that government should have the final say in who a person can and cannot marry. As governor of Alaska, I guess she has the say on whether or not Levi will take her daughter’s hand in marriage. You think that Levi wants to get hitched? Come on, we all know that Palin held her hunting rifle to the poor guy’s head and told him just how she’d field dress his corpse if he didn’t. (His Myspace page, before it was taken down, contained the quote: "I'm a f**kin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some sh*t and just f**kin' chillin' I guess. Ya f*ck with me I'll kick ass." Move over Bristol, this guy sounds like a catch!) Oh Levi, you should have chosen another young Inuit lady with whom to get your groove on.

2) She is trying to win votes by representing the “Everymom.” Excuse me, but I don’t know many women who would travel to Texas a month before giving birth to deliver a speech, despite the fact that she was actually leaking amniotic fluid at the time (graphic, but true). She returned to work a mere three days after giving birth to her youngest child. Three days! Someone needs to tell this woman that of all the air-tight excuses to not go to work, giving birth is one of the best. Now Republicans are crying “Double Standard! Sexism! No one would say these things about a man running for office!” Well, yes, that’s probably true. But face it, there is a double standard and I’m sorry, but it’s not going away. (This is why I refuse to participate in our Women’s Initiative. I’m sick of hearing the “You can do it all!” speech from high powered corporate women, when in reality, you can do it all only if you can exist on 3 hours of sleep and have the means to employ a full time nanny or have a stay-at-home-husband, and don’t really care if you do or do not see your kids before they go to bed each night. Of course, if you should choose not to have a family at all, doing it all becomes infinitely easier.) Furthermore, it would be a lot easier for a man to go to work three days after his child was born, than for the woman that actually birthed the kid to be back at it. Further, let’s be honest here, she’s not at the apex of her political career – she’s been governor for like ten minutes – why throw her family into the spotlight now? If she waited four years, her newborn would be a toddler and Bristol would be married off, without anyone batting an eye at her shotgun wedding. To be honest, I think that the poor timing issue is applicable because she is a parent, not because she’s a female.

1) Republicans complain about Obama’s lack of experience. Palin even made fun of it during her speech at the RNC. She ridiculed the time he spent as a community organizer. That was 20 years ago! She was running a fishing business and attending PTA meetings. She was a mayor of a small town up until 3 years ago. Obama might be inexperienced but at least he was in the Senate when she was building her resume as the mayor of Wasilla. As mayor and as governor, she says she has experience with budgeting and dealing with bureaucrats. Sarah, we’re talking lower-48 here. I don’t know what you consider budgeting, but we use the dollar down here - we won’t be financing any major projects by bartering with pelts or whale blubber. Further, Palin has ties to the Alaska Independence Party, which has pushed for Alaska’s secession from the U.S. And she’ll be our VP? (McCain, I thought you put your country first? Did you overlook Palin’s association with the AIP, or forget?) Also, why does she think she can claim she has foreign policy experience, just because she’s in charge of the Alaskan National guard? Hey lady, just because you are next to Canada, and somewhat close to Russia, does not automatically give you foreign policy credentials. Finally, McCain has admitted himself that economics is not his strongest suit (great, since the economy is in fantastic shape!), and Palin doesn’t strengthen his ticket in this respect either. Speaking about the Fannie / Freddie takeover, Palin stated the lending companies “had gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers.” Palin, I’m sorry that the pre-VP-debate cram session hasn’t gotten you up to speed yet, but prior to the takeover Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were private companies, and the $50 or so billion takeover is what will cost taxpayers. You should probably take an econ class or two.Now, I understand that people justify Palin’s lack of experience by saying that she’ll be #2 on the ticket, whereas Obama will be #1. That’s true; however, let’s not forget that John McCain is 72. Nine of 44 VP’s have become president during their time in office. Further, the average male life expectancy is about 75. McCain would be about 72.5 years old when he took office if elected, and if he lives an average-length life, he’d only make it through 2.5 years of his term. So, really, she’s #1.625 on the ticket. Hopefully, Palin’s a quick learner. (Now I realize that McCain’s mother is 96, and based on how she shot out of her seat at the RNC, she seems to still be quite spry. However, if you looked closely, she looked kind of like she might be an animatronic figure from a Disney ride, operated by someone behind the scenes to fool us all. I bet they even were able to make her say “Down with pork-barrelling and corruption!” and “John McCain would rather lose an election than let his country lose a war!” in case anyone doubted she was a real person.)
In summation, Obama-Biden 2008!